The Precarious Life

There are just times when you're overwhelmed by how fast things are changing. At one instance you become comfortable believing in a vision of how things would go; but the next thing that happens is how everything turns out so differently. When you are taken by surprise by events you didn't even expect to happen, you know you'd have to accustom to these new circumstances. Eventually, through a period of time, you then learn to develop a new routine to adapt to that new condition. But sometimes, when you've finally given your best to cope up with the changes in your life, and when you already have acquired the courage to adapt and live on, a whole new set of changes are then introduced. It's truly frustrating and discouraging especially when you realize that what you have already given would still not be enough.

Living in the real world is like boarding an unstoppable train passing through a heavy fog. You may know your destination but you cannot see the tracks ahead of you. It is like venturing on a vast new ocean; you wouldn't know how high the waves can be, or when the storm might come. Well,life is unpredictable. I keep getting caught offguard all the time; and I just can't seem to learn. Most of the time, I feel unconfident towards the responsibilities I have to take, and unsure with the decisions I am about to make. With how rapidly the situations are changing, I still don't know up to what extent I could handle things. Maybe tomorrow I could conquer the day, maybe not. Maybe my efforts are good enough for now, maybe I still  have a whole lot more to learn. The future is determined by how we act in the present; but the present is just so precarious. I guess what matters is how we react and adapt to various circumstances we face. We experience challenges, we complain, but soon enough, we learn to adapt. We learn that life goes on whatever the present brings.

The Apathy that Conquered Me

It's already my third semester in college. Well, there's nothing really much new stuff to be overwhelmed about. I feel like I have already adapted well enough to the college life. The academic responsibilities I have to deal with this semester aren't really as heavy as in the previous semesters. However, there's just something with this one that makes it different from the rest. Right now, it's just very strange that I don't feel as driven as how I was before. I may not have much responsibilities to carry out; but I don't have determination to do them either. It seems that I have already forgotten how to be the person I was supposed to be. I used to be so enthusiastic towards my ambitions; but now I guess all the fire that resided within me has already died. Yes, it's sounds too pessimistic of me arriving at such conclusion; but after all these times of contemplation, I reckon it to be the truth.

These past few weeks I have been to complacent towards my responsibilities. I feel like I have lost my competence towards my goals. At first I thought it was just because I learned to be contented with my own efforts; but soon enough I realized I wasn't exerting much effort at all. I have always aspired to be the responsible person who could manage his time well; but instead, all my inaction kept me ending up into trouble in several occasions. All the time I was privileged to utilize, I recklessly wasted them all away to irrelevant things. I've witnessed a lot of opportunities come my way; but I acted too mediocre towards every instance that gave me the chance to achieve. Right now, I know I should be doing something to transform myself from this state; but up to now I am still utterly perplexed on how this apathetic attitude has taken over me. I thought the skies overhead would be always clear, and the path I trek would always be definite; but on this moment, I'm off-track and still astray in this sea of heavy mist. I know I need to fix myself and find my way through; but this glitch in my system is something yet to be resolved.

Time has been going by too fast, the days have turned to weeks and weeks turned to months; and now I am already halfway through the semester. As they say, experience is the best teacher. It couldn't be more true on this situation. Now is the time I suffer the consequences of my own faults. The very concrete evidence of my irresponsibility has just been served. Although I'm disappointed, it doesn't surprise me anymore. I saw this one coming; but never did anything to avoid it. I knew from the start I was heading onto this plunge; but it seems that I never cared at all. How dense. I wasn't certain whether I have completely lost control of myself; but the situation tells me that I have. So now comes the period of my decline; now comes the time I drift away from my ambitions. As I wasted the days struggling to figure out the answers, seeking for that little piece of hope, the situation was gradually regressing. But I let this happen; and there's no one else to blame.

But I am no stranger to failure. I have dealt with a lot of failures in my life; and these instances always lead to anxiety and distress. However, after every moment of self-condemnation, I'd always make the setbacks challenge me to do better in the future. That was my secret - to consider failure as a turning point, and not as a permanent downfall. But right now,  I am still baffled with the way things are happening, and how I am reacting to the circumstances. By now, I should have reached that turning point where I regain my composure, and finally reacquire all the determination and zeal towards my goals; but that moment still remains trapped in an ideal dimension. It's truly frustrating; I guess I have lost that willpower to  steer myself back to the right direction.

Okay, I know I have been too pessimistic the entire article; so let me also ponder on the bright side for a while. For now, I may not yet arrive to a fully resolved conclusion; but at this stage, I have already made some realizations. This situation may have made me realize the gravity of my own mistakes; but it also had served me a lesson on the importance of attitude. Although knowledge and skills are very essential, these would not be accessed or utilized efficiently without employing the right mental attitude. I know that in situations like this, what matters is how you react, and what mindset you choose to accommodate. Life is a constant process of learning. And at this moment, I am still in the midst of unfolding the one big lesson beneath this great trial. A lot of questions still linger in my mind. Will I ever reacquire the spirit I used to have? Will I have the initiative and courage to become a better person? Or will I keep on waiting for a miracle to move me? Time will tell.

The Impending Demise

Imagine yourself piloting a plane thousands of feet above the ground. It's just another day cruising on the sky. Things are all normal; the weather's perfect, you do your usual routine, and basically there's not anything to worry at all. The hours are going by slowly as they usually do. But then a situation comes out of nowhere. All of a sudden, a violent jolt disrupts the flight of your aircraft. One of your engines just failed; and in a matter of time, your plane is heading on to a crash. Being the skilled and experienced pilot that you are, you know you'd have to execute the standard protocol in response to the situation; but this time you're too overwhelmed by the situation. And so you tremble, you're gradually being consumed by all the raging emotions within you; and your thinking ability is shutting down. Now you frantically pull off every desperate effort to mitigate the turmoil. But your fears have now overrun your system; all your courage and morale have receded. You realize you have just jeopardized the lives of the people on board, and your own life as well. You thought you were capable of taking the responsibility; but now you're on the front seat of witnessing your own tragic end. 

The Decision of the Past, The Incertitude of the Present

Three years ago, in my high school, I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to become in the future; even my family didn't know what course I would be taking. However, I was sure I wanted to be an engineer. I just didn't know which branch of engineering I would go for. My first option was actually chemical engineering since chemistry was one of my favorite subjects. But apparently, I had to take it off from my list because I had experienced a lot of health issues during my high school; and I thought it wouldn't be a good option especially there's vulnerability getting exposed to chemicals. For a period of time, I was clueless about my career preference. But eventually, in the next few months, as I was immersed on various types of school projects, I found myself enjoying those about making models of buildings and bridges. There's always that feeling of relief and contentment on whatever project I finish; but there was something different on dealing with those types of projects. I get excited to work on them, and I enjoy every part of the process. May it be the planning, or the execution, I always worked passionately on them, and I maintain a good attitude towards it. Overall, it was a very interesting and enjoyable learning process for me. 

For this reason, I was already convinced that Civil Engineering would be my chosen career path. It wasn't a decision I took out of rush. I have actually thought about it for quite some time and I realized that there were also other factors that makes me fit for the program. Geometry and Analytic Geometry were my other favorite subjects; I was highly interested in geometric principles, and its applications as well.. Although almost everyone I know hated these subjects, I actually enjoyed studying them. Another factor  dates back to my childhood. When I was a child I was very fond of making buildings, houses, and even a miniature city made out of Lego blocks together with my siblings. At a very young age, I was already so fascinated with the idea of designing and building structures.

In our senior year in high school, we have undertaken aptitude tests, interest tests, and other activities that helped us choose the best career option. My aptitude test's results revealed I was eligible to most of the fields but except on social services. However, according to the results of the interests test, my greatest inclination was on the engineering field. Eventually, as the months went by, I was already sure of my choice, and I did not consider any other programs anymore since those factors were already enough to convince me to push through with my decision.

Two years passed by, and currently, I'm starting my second year in college as a student on the Civil Engineering program. Unlike the previous two semesters when we were taught more of general subjects, now we would be taking subjects related to our chosen course. It's quite an indescribable feeling to witness your own future starting to unfold in front of you; it's when you start to learn about the basic things that would set foundation to the career you are building. Yes, it actually does sound exciting; however, it's not the feeling that is prevailing within me; it is doubt and fear that outweighs.

Honestly, right now I cannot really say that I am perfectly sure of the career I have chosen to pursue. Basically, I have chosen this program because I thought I had the innate qualities that make me fit for this career. Contrary to how most people think, I did not choose this profession because it is an in-demand job today in our world. We're aware that wherever city we may go, construction is booming; and that Civil Engineers are highly paid within and outside the country. With the high demand for Civil Engineers today, the number of aspirants is equivalently high as well. To be honest, I haven't actually foreseen all these things; I've only learned about these from some of my friends, and from news articles. The path I thought was easy actually had much difficulties in store, especially I was just among the thousands of aspirants.

The dilemma I am facing right now is that I cannot visualize the outcome of my career choice. All these times, I only considered my capabilities as a person; but I have failed to consider the actual direction this decision is leading me into. It's not that I am no longer interested with this program; but it's just because I am greatly unsure whether I am capable of dealing with the things practiced in this profession. I am very uncertain weather I could still be enthusiastic enough to learn more in the field I thought was best for me. I am in doubt of myself.

With my first few months in college, I did realize that I could utilize my knowledge and skills in dealing with the different aspects of the program; however, I also became aware of my own weaknesses that make me susceptible to failure if ever I could not overcome these. Though I may have managed to cope up with some difficult challenges in a year of studying, still I remain unconfident and afraid of the greater adversities that lie ahead in this career path. I always feel this incertitude whenever I contemplate on my lack of knowledge and skills in this field. Another discouraging thought is realizing I have undesirable traits as I dealt with various recent experiences. Instead of being that person who makes the perfect plans before undertaking responsibilities, I always end up doing things on the 11th hour with no definite plans. I get so irresponsible and I tend to make decisions out of rush. My career choice demands me to be someone who knows how to plan and make good decisions; but I am a very indecisive person who is more of responsive rather than preventive. If I couldn't change what I am today, then one day I might become a great hazard to the society instead of being of service.

In a few instances, I may have faced struggles in coping up with difficulties regarding the inadequacy of my knowledge and skills for the program; however, right now it is clear that my greatest issue of concern is my lack of a good attitude towards my studies. All these doubts that have accumulated in my mind, are making me fragile and my life precarious. All these times, I have set myself to be imprisoned in my own fears and bounded to my own limitations, making me incompetent. The incorrect mindset I have been keeping has been hindering me from working efficiently in acquiring my endeavors. The inappropriate attitudes I possess are incapacitating me to become the ideal person I envision myself to be.

My idea of success is being able to practice a profession that I can passionately work on all throughout my life. I seek to walk on a path where I spend my life acquiring knowledge, learning skills, and applying them rightfully for the benefit of myself and the society. For the future, I envision myself to be a person who maintains a good attitude towards life, a citizen who willfully takes responsibility of his role in advocating progress and development, and an innovator who enthusiastically seeks for solutions for the existing problems in our society. However, these are only my ideals; and I do not know whether there would be a bridge that connects my aspirations for the future and my actions in the present. There is always that factor of struggle in letting the convergence of theory and action be possible.

Right now it's too early to presume. I cannot say I would not enjoy the journey when I haven't fully experienced it yet; I'm still on the verge of it. Maybe the zeal that resides within me is yet to be awakened. Maybe I just have to let time do its magic. Maybe I should not let myself be shaken by the thought of the uncertainty of the future; instead, I should just focus on the present as I am building my career. Yes, I need to keep going; but of course these won't be happening if I do not change my current mindset. I think I need to develop an optimistic and competent attitude towards my aspirations. I should learn to be more responsible because in the future, I know I have a vital role to play. For now, it may not be easy just to erase all these doubts, as they recur inside my head; but what I know is that I should have faith on this career decision. The end may still not be in sight as I walk on this path; but I know I should keep my eyes on the road.

Downfall and Conquest

Today is a summer day of 2014 and I remember a year ago, I graduated high school and enrolled for college. On those times I still didn't have much idea on how my first year in college would be like. I didn't really have a vivid mental picture on what I would be experiencing. From what everyone has told me, I thought the first year in college would be easier than high school. Now that I have just survived my first year in college, I could say that everything was totally different from what I've expected it to be. On some aspect, it's better than high school; on another hand, it's much more complex.

In college, I have found myself immersed in an entirely different world. For me who comes from another island, I am not really familiar with the city. Though we visit here every Christmas, I haven't really had an in-depth knowledge on city living. It's a new environment with new people; and it's a different reality. I had to adjust to a new physical and social environment. Well, those weren't the only coping up I had to do. I also had to adjust on the academic aspect as well. As they say, engineering is one of the toughest courses; and basing from my experiences in the first year of this program, I conclude that it is true. Honestly, I only learned about this during college; and it wasn't something I have foreseen when I was in high school. All I knew back then was I wanted to become an engineer because I could deal with math. And I thought everything would go so smoothly since they say the first year in college wouldn't be that hard; but reality did prove me wrong. 

In my first semester, everything was supposed to be alright. Most of the subjects were like a review of high school, except there was a subject teaching about the overview of  Civil Engineering. I thought everything was manageable; but something that caught me off guard. As all engineering courses are required to take, I had to deal with this subject called engineering drafting. It is a fundamental skill on learning the graphical language used by engineers and other technical personnel associated with the engineering profession. The purpose of engineering drawing is to convey graphically the ideas and information necessary for the construction or analysis of machines, structures, or systems. (definition from thefreedictionary.com) 

This was really a disadvantage for me since I am really not talented in drawing, and my penmanship is horrible. Actually, my father who is an electrical engineer, has excellent penmanship - very engineer-like; and his drawing is undeniably great. One time in fifth grade when our printer ran out of ink, he wrote my homework; and the product didn't even seem like it was handwritten. I can't enumerate more but I think that's enough to prove my point. Unfortunately, his youngest son didn't acquire these features. I don't know what happened in the process; but I guess genetics didn't favor me. Although Geometry was one of my favorite subjects in high school aside from Chemistry, I am only good in the theoretical aspect. Anyway, first we had to be familiar working with the tools- the drafting pens, the compass, the triangles, the scales, and everything else. In our first activity, my performance was of course terrible. It wasn't only because of my penmanship, but I also didn't know how to use the drafting pens. it's way different from the standard pens we use; it's a bit larger in radius with a long pointed tip, and each cost a thousand. The worst thing is -  if the ink would blot on your paper, you have to do everything again back from the start since the professor is strict in terms of cleanliness. Three continuous hours in a week was allotted to this subject; but those hours go so fast since it's always full of pressure. I hated those since my performance would worsen if I were pressured. But actually, I was lucky enough to be seated next to a person who already had drafting experience in his high school. He taught me some of the things to do and not to do in drafting, and those actually helped me in coping up. I really envy those experienced people since every activity was always easy for them; meanwhile, an inexperienced me is always struggling to pass a clean and satisfactory work. 

One of the times I will never forget was when I worked all night to work on two plates to be submitted the next day. The homework was given the week before, and I actually had previous drafts but I disposed them since they were messy and full of errors. I got tired of doing and I just felt so unmotivated; so I never did them days before it was due. What a great mistake that was since I had to burn the midnight candle on the eve of submission. It was the most stressful night of my life. I poured all my blood, sweat, and tears as I was working; and I tore some drafting papers that had errors in them because of my extreme frustration. I was so nervous the whole process because I didn't want to make a mistake. However, the consequences of time-pressure, and sleep deprivation were numerous wasted drafts, and an unfinished mediocre output. The next day, I went to school with absolutely no sleep. I had to bear with my drowsiness throughout the day and I worked on it when the time was free. Because I was doing some finishing touches to my works during lunch break, I entered the class late. Never have I expected the worst of things to happen - both works were marked failing grades. It was a horrendous nightmare; all my hard work and hours of working were repaid with such. I thought it was unacceptable; but I guess that was the price of my irresponsibility. It was beyond disheartening; but later on I accepted it since it was all my fault anyway. I was already open to the possibility that I may not pass the subject. 

During those times, I felt like I lost all hope. I thought I wasn't fit for the engineering program, that my decision in choosing this program was a big mistake. This weakness of mine made me re-consider in continuing my engineering course. On some instances, I wanted to quit, and I thought of pursuing an aviation-related course instead. But I guess those arguments with my self  didn't come to a serious point; it was all just up to an idea. One time I opened it up to my brother, and I expressed on how I was having difficulties with the subject. I complained that if only I knew about drafting beforehand, I could have prepared for it. But what he told me was something that opened my eyes, and something I still value up to now. He told me that in college, you are there to learn.  At the beginning, you are not expected to be already excellent; that the purpose of education is for you to learn and acquire the skills taught, so that you could be excellent. For days I contemplated on this and I gradually found courage and strength to go on. I regained hope and my optimism to pursue with my course, and I developed a new perspective. Instead of looking at it as a weakness, I viewed it as a challenge - a great one. I started practicing more, and I looked for ways to improve my penmanship, drawing, and my overall performance. I had to equal that great challenge with the great courage I have found. I was determined in looking for solutions to my own crisis. 

I tried to look at the factors that affect my performance; and the main reason was the pens I use. I always had much difficulty with those permanent tech pens; they blot easily, you  have to change the ink occasionally, and they always fall off from my compass. Because of these, my outputs were always messy. I guess using permanent was the primary reason I couldn't pass quality works. Since then, I opted for temporary tech pens instead. They were much cheaper, you didn't have to change its ink, they're easier to use, and for me those were way more efficient. I also bought a new compass since the other one was only compatible to permanent. With my new materials, and all the hard work I dedicated, I gradually improved in my drafting. I also learned to enjoy and understand the process instead of merely wanting to finish it, and always being so nervous about making a mistake. Unlike before, when I treated every activity as a burden, now it has become a new opportunity to improve. I developed a lot of techniques to make my work faster and easier without compromising the quality of my output. I also did my best to improve my time-management and never to be late for that subject. 

To sum it all up, I did pass the drafting subject. Though it's the lowest grade among the other subjects,  I am satisfied; it's what I deserve. And it's not really a big pull-down for my weighted average grade since it's just one unit. Anyway, the most important thing is that I have learned to deal with this unforeseen challenge. I have learned that life doesn't go so smoothly as you expect it to be; there will always be an instance when you'll have to face your own weaknesses. And when that moment comes, it probably might take you by surprise. It will either break your spirit, or build your character; it depends on how you deal with the situation. But I know all of us has a breaking point; one day you will feel defeated in the midst of all the challenges that encompass you. One day you will ask a lot of questions, you will cry out all your complaints to life, you will keep on blaming others until you learn there's no one else to blame but yourself.  I know it is terrible when you feel like you're walking alone, carrying all your heavy burdens. On these moments, you just have to find peace within yourself, and seek counsel from the people around you, and from God. When you think all hope is lost, find it. You have to break away from all that negativity that surrounds you, and find a way to fight the things that torment you. Pause for a moment, and look at all the better things in life. And if you have already done all these, try to find the solutions rationally; you shouldn't overthink because it will only make things worse. Let your weaknesses and your failures challenge you. Every day is always an opportunity to improve yourself. Just keep believing in yourself - that you can overcome the challenges life gives you.  Change is not an overnight process; but if you have enough dedication, you will see the magic unravel in front of your eyes. 

An Impeded Voyage

I'm a ship that ran aground, waiting for a rescue mission that may never arrive. Stranded in the middle of the open sea, the waves are crashing down on me. Everyday, I watch the sun fight the darkness as it rises on this clear horizon; but somehow I'm still waiting for that beacon of hope to shine upon me. All these entities I carry are slowly dying as each day goes by. I struggle to hold my ground as these currents are all raging against me. This voyage has been a failure; and soon enough I'll drift away into nothingness, or sink into the very depths of this ocean. 

My Experiences on Writing

I may have been writing a lot for my blogs these past few months; but before my blogs, my being a writer was just occasional. I only wrote for school projects, our school paper, or other requirements. I rarely wrote anything for leisure. Well, I actually made some poems and some sort of diary entries when I was an adolescent but I got rid of them later on since I found them childish and unworthy of keeping. Time went by, I graduated high school and entered college. Since then my writer self has been quite dormant; but there were things I had  to write for - like reaction papers and written reports.

It was only last November 2013, when I started writing for a non-academic purpose. I created a blogger account and launched my debut blog - the Haiyan Blog; this blog contains my personal account of Typhoon Haiyan. It was such an extraordinary event that I have never experienced before; I found it worth recording and sharing. Aside from that, I also wanted to preserve everything that was running on my mind on that instance, and all those experiences after the storm. The next blog I created was my Literary blog; in this blog are some of my essays and poems that I wrote when I was in high school. Most of these were school requirements which I decided to keep for future use. I actually have more essays and poems but some of which did not pass my quality control, and some are still pending. The third blog I made was the Multimedia blog; in this blog, I posted the products of my photo/video/audio editing. And the latest blog I launched was this blog. This is the blog where I put my personal experiences, ideas, thoughts, and also things I am currently up to. Well, I never really foresaw all these things to happen. I never really envisioned myself writing for my blogs; unlike before, now, writing has been a hobby to me already.

I got into writing in fifth grade when I joined the school news publication. I'm not really sure how I ended there but I guess it was because I was recommended by a teacher since I had good grades in English. I wrote articles covering on school events, and also some feature write-ups. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy those tasks. First, you have to take the details - the who, what, when, or where about the topic. Then, you have to make an entire article out of those details. That was what I didn't like; it was difficult for me since I didn't really know how to expound sentences. Unlike my peers who were more enthusiastic, and who wrote well, I was rather straight-forward in writing, and my articles were short and very plain. I wasn't skilled in making write-ups more interesting and worth reading. I'm pretty sure I always gave a hard time for our moderator to edit my submissions.

Since sixth grade, I became an insomniac; and it was really terrible. All those nights, my mind gets very chaotic with all the random thoughts running on my head. It's pretty weird because I couldn't just stop the traffic of ideas and imaginary scenarios happening on my mind; it was almost uncontrollable. Alongwith my becoming an insomniac, it was also during those times that I started to become mature mentally. I started to see the world in a new perspective; I realized that there was a big world out there that I am a part of. And that world was full of intricate systems that were not always fair to everyone. There are injustices, there are those who are favored more, and there are many things that are just not possible. I discovered that reality was far from being a perfect world. With this glimpse of reality, I sought to learn more; and during the process, I developed this social awareness and concern for the greater society itself. From then on, I learned to react to certain issues in the society.

However, during that era of my life, I also embarked on a quest to know myself. Since childhood, I have always been that solitary type of person; and I have spent most of my life contemplating on my own thoughts. It was during those times that my emotional and mental development heightened. On some instances, I would ponder of the meaning of life itself, or what my purpose could be. There were lots of questions springing from my mind; and these always kept me awake at night. But as I gained various experiences in the real world, I also learned to establish my own principles that I now uphold and believe in. Through time and experience, some of my questions were answered; while many others are still on queue. But nevertheless, this quest I have embarked on allowed me to unearth my own perspectives in life.

So I have just given a short background of myself. Now the question is: what made me decide to be a writer? Well, first of all, sometimes I also wonder on this matter. Second, I am not even sure if I can consider myself as a writer. I admit that I am not that gifted with the creativity to play with words and imagination; I only write in the manner I am comfortable to express my views. I also have a confession to make, it may be strange for you to hear; but I am not a person who is into books. Most of you probably thought I am writing because I have been inspired by the books I read, or the authors who wrote them. I am not against it; I have read a few novels in my lifetime, but I don't really find myself getting into it. The only reason I write is because I want to liberate all these imprisoned ideas and thoughts bursting out of my head. The only way to keep my mind from imploding is to set these thoughts free.

I have found meaning in writing. It has been a medium to fully express myself; it is a way for me to transform my abstract thoughts into an organized piece of literary work. But though the idea may sound enchanting, that process is truly very complicated. It is always a great battle for me. The way I write is not merely putting up everything I have in mind into a write-up. I have to make sure I am understood. I have to be clear and organized. I also want readers to feel what I wan them to feel. One goal of a writer is to establish a certain connection with the readers; I have to convey my messages well.

Through essay-writing, I can express my personal insights, and concern towards various pressing issues on the society. It is a means for me to raise social awareness especially to those who are uninformed. The main purpose of each essay is to influence readers, and let them be aware of the responsibility in being a part of the solution of these issues. It is truly a great challenge; that is why I wrote very rarely before. It takes a lot of effort, time, and patience to build a perfect write-up. I have to gather enough facts, ideas, insights, and some creativity to make it come to life. Yes, it is a struggle; but arms me for battle is the essential things I am equipped with. Having the right principles, a good perspective of things, right criticism, I could uphold my own stand on these certain issues.

It was in my second year high school that I started joining essay contests. I don't really remember whether I volunteered or I was chosen to be the representative of the group but still I pushed through with it. The essay contest was part of a yearly science event. There was a 2 or 3-hour time limit, minimum of 300 words, and the topic of what we would write were always based on the theme.  It was my first time joining an essay contest. In my younger years, I never knew what an essay was; I guess it was in 6th grade when we were taught about it. The most important thing I have learned about writing is that you have to be organized. There must always be an introduction, body, and conclusion; and each main ideas have to be supported by details.  Prior to this contest I already had little experience in writing insights, and reactions on journals, tests or other school papers. These actually helped me develop my own style in writing - on how I present my thoughts, and how I organize them into structures. These were the things that armed me for the contest. Anyway, the topic was about disaster awareness (as far as I remember) and it was quite a challenge since it was my first time to write with time constraint. Well, the first thing I did was list down the main ideas that would be the outline of my write-up; then, I expounded them with supporting details. Everything else I've written was about upholding my ideas and principle in solving the problem. It wasn't easy; as I am very fallible to time pressure, my hands were shaking as I wrote. And when I didn't know what to write next, I would panic. Then the time was due and we had to pass our works; thank God I actually finished writing. Okay, to conclude the story, one day I was called on stage to receive the award as champion of the competition. It was indeed an astonishing moment. From the start, I wasn't really that confident since it was my first time joining such competition. It wasn't something I expected; I never envisioned myself to be writing essays, or to be joining competitions. I just tried, and this was the result. I was really happy with it and since then I've decided to join that annual contest until my last year in high school. I challenged myself to protect the title; and yes, I actually did. Well, I guess I got the hang of it. Anyway, out of my three entries, I only retrieved one. It was the only entry that was published  on our school paper. I didn't have a copy of the others since they were never returned after submission. That one entry, which is now in my literary blog, has actually undergone a lot of revisions before I posted it. The original, which I wrote three years ago - I found it so substandard. I felt so ashamed while I was reading it.I had to re-work it some weeks ago for it to really pass my quality control. And that's why I shouldn't really be proud of my title; now I actually question myself if I deserved those awards. I don't know. I couldn't really say until I read the other two entries again. Well, anyway, whether I won those or not, writing for contests was a great learning experience for me. I was able to share my own insights through those essays. I was able to face the challenge of writing under time-pressure. Every essay-writing contest was an opportunity for me utilize my capabilities, and grow as a writer and as a person.

In my third year high school, I rejoined the school news publication. I was an opinion writer and I wrote two opinion articles each year. On some times, I was also assigned for other articles that covered school events. And yes, I still didn't enjoy doing those; I was only comfortable in writing opinion articles. The hard part was always finding a topic that I would want to react on. Though I was usually reactive to politics, the environment, or various social issues, I found it difficult to choose since I am very indecisive. And if ever I found my desired subject, starting a write-up was always difficult. It took days or weeks for me to finally start writing. It's actually a tedious process of breaking down clusters of disorganized thoughts so you could filter them into systematized ideas. It takes a lot of concentration (and coffee) for me to formulate a good write-up. Until now, that's always a dilemma. And aside from that, my passion for writing is only occasional. It's not everyday that I could write well. If I forced myself to write, I get very vague and senseless with my write-ups. But if there was an instance I had that burning passion, I could be unstoppable. I really have to savor that moment and finish the write-up before that laziness or exhaustion attacks. It's always an ecstatic moment when the flow of ideas is never-ending when I am writing. It's like my mind's the engine and that passion is the fuel that keeps me working smoothly. Anyway, when I finish an article, I get very relieved and satisfied with my work. However, the article's course doesn't end there; it still has to undergo a lot of revisions. After I submit them, our moderator would then cite my mistakes; may it be the title, the facts, or the details. There was a time when there was a very big mistake on my write-up. What I thought as facts were only my own assumptions. Later, I was able to revise it and make the article really based on facts. That really taught me a very important lesson - to always review facts before getting to react and conclude. Other mistakes that I did were contradicting myself in my own article. In my essays, as much as possible, I avoid being so biased. I also try to consider the other side of the issue. But I guess I took it too far. The sentence was: "However, I do not completely oppose to its implementation"; and all the while all statements above stated my opposition. The revision was: "However, I do understand that this law also has good purposes". Well, those mistakes were learning experiences. Writing for the school paper actually helped me improve in writing. It made me realize my own imperfections. Though I'm aware I'm never a perfect writer; on some instances I tend to be overconfident with myself. These mistakes serves me a reminder that I am not as great as what I think I am.

Fast-forward to the present time, I currently have 4 blogs running and I have been writing more frequently these past few months. I have a lot of plans for this personal blog; and there are a lot of topics I want to write about. However, my writer self only visits me very seldom. I haven't even finished Haiyan blog. I am actually ending it with an essay; but I'm still figuring out how I would formulate a perfect write-up for it. On my literary blog, I am still deciding which works from my high school will be added. And for now, I still have no plans on writing a new essay. Anyway, I still have 32 days of summer and I hope I could make the most out of these remaining days of freedom and boredom. I do hope I could keep myself busy by writing for my blogs. This is actually the only way I can be productive this summer. And I do hope I could continue expanding my own world through my blogs. Thank you for reading this write-up. I hope you learned something. Stay updated and never miss a post by following.  :) 

Struggling with Reality - The Idealist's Dilemma

I have always been that idealistic and ambitious type of person. During the hours of past midnight when I couldn't sleep, my mind gets so busy formulating lots of ideas. Some of them have been real; while many are still awaiting to be fulfilled. In my mind, I have built an entire world that I want for myself - an ideal world with an ideal quality of life,  ideal things, and an ideal self.

It's not only on those hours that I become that idealist. It's also when I'm placed on a difficult situation in life. Before I even think of probable solutions, I would think of how that situation could have never happened if ever I were in better conditions. "This would not have happened if ever I had this, or if ever I had that." These things pop out on my mind; and I would then imagine myself evading all the difficulties. Alibis, complaints - these are indications when I couldn't accept my own reality. It is always in that cycle that creates the struggle; and it worsens if you don't break out of it. This process is recurring but there is only one thing to remember just to break out of that struggle. Reality will always work as it is, and not how you want it to be. And that is something we all need to accept. Sometimes we have to abandon our ideals and accept our own reality. You have to put your focus back into the real world because dwelling on your ideal world only wastes your time. Instead of worrying on how your ideal world is so opposite with the real world, the best way is to find solutions to your difficulties, and do all what you can to improve your condition with reality.

Yes, I am an idealist, and I am struggling with reality. Well, I may have mentioned to you on dealing with such struggle; and it's easy to think I could easily fend off the struggles in my life. But there really are things easy to say but difficult to do; and that's another struggle I face - living up to my own words. Anyway, this is different, it's about my ambitious self  being so persistent and restless. I know my ideal world may be constantly expanding, but actually my real life is not even progressing. I always imagine keeping myself busy and productive during the summer but I always end up in this monotonous cycle, wasting all the days away. And that's what I hate - being unproductive. There are actually a lot of things that I envision myself doing but some are just not possible. I have been wanting to earn this summer; but I couldn't find a way. I wanted to enroll and learn on some summer program; but it was too expensive. I wanted to go out with friends; but I haven't heard from them. Well, guess it's still that typical summer - stay at home all day, sit in front of the computer, and do some house chores. That's my reality and I still haven't found a way to change it. I feel like I am wasting all my youth away. And it's like everyday I am waiting for a better tomorrow that might never come. Until now, it's still a struggle I am facing but I have resorted in doing some other things to keep myself busy. And of course one of those is writing for my blogs. I am quite contented with the work I have done so far even though I am not certain  whether they get views. But hopefully though, before this summer ends, I hope I will find something meaningful.

In this world, whether we like it or not, there really are factors in the real world that hinder us from achieving our ideals. And as much as how we want things to be, in life there's not a 100% yield for our ideals to be translated into reality. However, this doesn't mean that you have to give up all your ambitions. There is nothing wrong with dreaming for a better life; just avoid getting too depressed worrying on all things you do not have. You should also appreciate the good things that you are blessed with. Happiness and contentment may is not dependent on just one aspect. We should also remember that all of us face different realities in our lives. It's not only you who are having struggles, other people are also having their own adversities, which may be greater. Achieving your ambitions is not an overnight work; one day, through time and your efforts, you might probably attain your own ideals. And if you do so, do not forget to help the others who couldn't do it on their own.