Running on the Trail

There were battles I lost, there were battles I won. There were rough tracks that brought me down but I never stopped running. I kept on running away from the cold fears that wanted to freeze my feet. I kept running after the light that I've set my eyes upon. I kept on stumbling, failing but never wanted to quit. I've always looked back to remember what I've been through. I've always looked ahead to see where I was going.

But then I got exhausted; I lost focus. Suddenly, everything around me was covered by heavy mist. I could barely breath, I could barely see. All of I thought of was survival and I couldn't keep my eyes on the road. I was almost lost. It was still a long wearisome journey and I didn't know where it would end. There was probably a slim chance I'd reach the finish line but I knew I was not going to win. 

Then I lost track of everything. I woke up with nothing but a little sense of relief, and a heavy feeling of desolation. It came upon to my realization that I was out of the race. How terrible. I knew I was in misery but I never wanted to take any escape route out of it. I can't run that race anymore; and it wasn't I who decided such. I've been forced to quit as a consequence of  those various circumstances. Maybe I thought I had the strength to push through; but all along I was slowly dying. I was so preoccupied running, battling challenges that I forgot to look at myself. I was unaware I incurred so much wounds.

Everything after has been vague. I don't know what fate has in store for me. I know I'm still yet to figure out how to start a new beginning. But what for? If I don't have the strength to do so, then why would I even start? There's been a lot of doubts running through my mind, a lot of questions to be answered. Now where do I run? I no longer have an idea on what I want to achieve. If life truly is a race, it seems like I've just been thrown out of it.

All these things are weighing me down but I can't allow myself to give in and drown endlessly. Despite everything, I still believe that time will allow me to recover my strength and reignite that fire within me. I may have lost this battle but I know there's still something that's left of me. Somehow, I am thankful for that. I know I can run again; but this time it's a new path I should set for. It's definitely terrifying but I know it will only allow me to learn better. All these experiences, both good and bad, they will be crucial for my own development. 

A Flickering Light of Hope

Negativity is a dark prison where all your thoughts ceaselessly resound between the walls that contain you. Sometimes, you wouldn't know whether you'd ever make your way out; sometimes, you couldn't even recall how you ended up there. You always feel helpless thinking of the many little troubles filling your head. May it be overcoming an experience of failure, or lamenting over unfulfilled wishes, it's a constant battle. 

Yes, it's definitely bad to be negative. That's what everybody says; and I believe in that too. But there would always be days when these dark clouds lurk above my head. Suddenly, I get blinded. I become incapable of appreciating anything at all. Then there comes a point when I realize I have no idea where I'm supposed to be. When I've run aground, I'd lose all self-esteem and forget who I am. It seems every circumstance suggests I can't be the person that I thought I could be, and that my hopeful visions are but a dream.

Life's tough; but I guess it's worse when you're in constant thought of every little instance that you feel you were responsible for. I wish it were that easy to just not worry at all. I know It's good to be optimistic and to appreciate what's in the present; but I learned there will always be real factors that would soon outweigh that positivity. It's a battle I always lose. I may know what to think but I'm always overpowered by these emotions.

Until now, I'm still figuring out how to step out of those dark clouds. Maybe I just need to take a break and ponder on what is missing. This turmoil inside me has to be silenced; and I guess I have to rebuild myself no matter what. I keep on saying to myself I'm never good enough; but I think that's both a bad thing and a good thing. On the brighter side, I still have a lot to improve; on the contrary, there are still shadows of doubt on myself needed to be erased. I hate to be a failure. That motivates and terrifies me at the same time. I'm never sure if my efforts are actually amounting into something. There had already been a lot of chances I've ruined and wasted. Though I managed to pick some important lessons along the way, I still wonder if I'd ever succeed again. Well, I really don't know. I realized anything can happen because life is precarious.

Contemplations from a Setback

It's never easy to cope up with failure; it's always a terrible feeling. When you've placed all your hopes on the line and prepare for your best chance, turns out things wouldn't work out as how they're supposed to. You tend to blame every little factor and undergo that period of denial, but in the end you realize there's no one else to blame but yourself. You try to imagine all the situations of what could have been but what recurs in your head is how it didn't happen. That makes it worse. Now here comes all the questions that pop out of your head. Will this greatly affect my future? Can I recover from this setback? Should this situation continue to dictate what I feel? Honestly, I don't know. 

I'm a highly ambitious person but I can also be that bitterly pessimistic one. In the face of defeat, I become the latter. Sometimes I'd think it's not right to attach myself too much from my aspirations. Maybe my pursuit of the future blinds me and keeps me from seeing the good things in the present. Is this still something I'm willing to fight for? It's easy to say you can't give up on what you've started; but to find the strength to do so is definitely not. I easily lose motivation towards what's supposed to be meaningful to me. Ideally, I want to just enjoy the process and achieve an outcome; but I don't think that's real after all. There are a lot of real-world factors needed to be considered and things I have to learn. 

I don't think I've done enough to improve. It seems like I keep on exerting efforts just for the sake of compensation. It's always challenge after challenge that I'm barely prepared to undertake. During the process, I constantly run out of fuel to function. Sometimes I'd look back and wish I did better; often times, I wouldn't want to care. It's only a matter of time when all my regrets would  haunt me and weigh me down. I know there are many things that I am not in control of. I get anxious a lot of my own personal matters and that has not only cost me emotionally and mentally, but also physically. I'd sometimes wish I were a different person; but no, this is what I am and what I have to deal with. By how things are happening, I guess there has to be a change. It's hard to integrate what I should be, and what I currently am; but right now, that's my main goal - to acquire a new mental attitude just so I could cope up.

Resolution

I've crossed the finish line. Finally, no more requirements, exams, and other academic responsibilities to concern myself with. This semester's finals week was the busiest one I had yet. I couldn't even remember whether I had normal sleep in any of those days since I had to burn the midnight candle to maximize time. The week however didn't really turn out that well as I've envisioned since I mismanaged my time on some occasions but it wasn't really that much of a blunder. There were times when things got quite burdensome especially when working on those subjects I was less interested with. During the week, I've also had some new experiences like going out at 2 am just to get something to eat. That's something I haven't done before and I think it's some little achievement. Well, that's not really much, I know; but I also had a significant-but-not-so-good experience.

On the beginning of the week, I had a composed and optimistic attitude towards  my responsibilities. Everything was supposed to be perfect. I was already prepared to undertake all the work; but unexpectedly, there was some stumbling block ahead. The very next day, my morale was absolutely shattered to an exponential extent. I've never felt so disappointed in years. The thing was that I studied for a final exam the night before, and in the morning. It was not just my usual study session, and I also don't usually study unless I like the subject. I exerted more effort since I knew I had to improve in that area. I was so determined that I used whatever techniques just to instill everything in my mind. I knew I wouldn't perfectly excel in the test; but I expected my efforts would somehow pay off. However, it didn't. When I was taking the test, it seemed like I had zero idea of what I was given with. It was not the kind of test I readied for. It turned out that the questions revolved around only on a small part of what was supposed to be; opposite from my expectation of a set of questions covering a wider range and not that detail-specific. Well, I got a low score obviously. It wasn't  about the grade I was frustrated of; it was about all the effort that transpired into nothing. At the end of the day, I felt horribly tired because I only had 3 hours of sleep; and all the disappointment added up to that. I was not sad, I was furious. I knew I did my part and I was contented with what I have done; but all these did not seem to reflect just because of some irregular and unpredictable system.

That incident affected me for the remainder of the week but I knew I had to move on and fulfill my other tasks. As what I am, I usually accept my downfalls and find inspiration in them; but this time, it was impossible. I've felt so destroyed that my outlook was shaken. Though it was just a minor subject that deserved little attention, I didn't consider that, and I committed myself to it. In the end, I was left in distress. I don't exactly know how I got myself through all of it but I've managed to bury it on the depths of my mind. I can't say that I've performed well enough through the week but I was still able to work on my other requirements and pass them on time.

Well, the past is all behind me now. I've somehow forgotten all the finals week drama. The semester has ended and I can finally  have my well-deserved rest. What's next? Grades. Yes, I still had to wait for my grades to be released. I had to keep on checking my grades from time to time on different parts of the day just to ease my angst. When a classmate says a grade has been released, I'd always panic before I log into the school website. I knew I had my expectations but I had to be open to other possibilities just to avoid disappointment.

I have been a little anxious waiting for my grades, but I've finally felt relieved since everything turned out to be just fine in the end. All of my final grades have already been released as of today and I can say they're not that bad after all. I mean, it could have been worse so I can say I am satisfied with what I have received. It's actually quite unimaginable how things have turned around greatly. With some serious determination and effort, somehow I have managed to avoid the plunge. Out of eleven subjects, only two have decreased; while some have improved significantly. It's great to have ended the semester with fulfillment and not with disappointment. Though I may have made some mistakes along the course, what's more important was the learning process outside of the classroom. Having dealt with the challenges, I am really thankful not only for surviving my second year in college but more importantly on being able to concurrently cope up and learn during the process.

Right now, being officially a third year student gives me mixed feelings. It's an achievement to have reached this stage; but it's also a big challenge. Although making it this far says a lot, I am remaining unconfident with the idea of it. I know there's a lot to be undertaken and I am not sure whether I am already capable to do so. But well, that's life. You never know fully what's up ahead and you can't say you're always ready for everything. Along the course of time, I witness my destiny unfold and I know I have to not lose track of my goal. I guess what matters more is not about what tomorrow will be, but my attitude towards it. There's just a whole lot of things to learn and these will be building blocks for my future. I am enticed with the idea of acquiring more knowledge but consequently, I also have to develop the right character so I could keep on going on the path that I have chosen to pursue.

Resurgence

It has been almost 6 months since I last posted anything in this blog. In the recent weeks, I have been pondering on a lot of things and so I've finally decided to create a new post. Currently, we're heading to the finals week of this semester and in less than two weeks, I can have my summer break already. However, I barely have any reasons to anticipate it since right now my mind is still preoccupied with the tons of requirements and tests I have to undertake for the remainder of the semester. Tonight, I actually have to study for two tests tomorrow so at the moment, I'm putting my multitasking skills to the test.

In a post I created a semester ago, I was talking about how I felt so unmotivated towards my studies, and how I was waiting for that turning point. Just to not leave that hanging, I managed to do some efforts to hopefully compensate for my earlier mistakes; and thankfully, those paid off. While the outcome did not really reach the level of my ideal standard, that probably was the best result I could get considering the circumstances.

In the current semester, I didn't really think anything has changed significantly. Often times, there's still that cloud of negativity that floats above my head but I've been doing my best to just carry on and fulfill my responsibilities. There were still a lot of times when I made costly little mistakes that got me frustrated. But in the end, I was able to fend off my woes just to avoid wasting my emotions. I can't really say that I'm already performing better; I know my performance is actually a bit worse. I've kind of hit rock bottom getting the lowest grades I've ever had so far. Upon the moment I learned about it, I wasn't really that surprised, nor did I blame myself excessively for it. I did feel discouraged but I knew I also had to accept my own lapses and shortcomings. Although I usually tend to blame the system for my own downfalls, I'd realize soon enough that I'm the one supposed to adapt. It's the same dilemma as in the previous semesters - thinking I am not good enough in coping up with academic matters. It's a recurring issue. Until now, I still keep wondering what really is hindering me. I may not have a lot of social activities but I still waste a lot of time on my own. I just get too unfocused and I easily lose intrinsic motivation for my goals. For some time, I thought about it and I avoided writing new posts; I knew whatever I posted would just be negative. Ultimately, I decided that it would be better if I wrote when this matter had already been resolved.

In all these moments, the feeling that surfaced within me wasn't actually despair; strange to say, it was actually hope. I knew I was faced with a greater trouble but I felt a little bit more confident compared to before. I think I've had enough of all self-condemnation and unbelief. I've made it this far and I still have a long way to go. If I couldn't change my mindset today, then I am surely bound to fail tomorrow. This time, I learned to believe again - in pursuing my ambitions, and more importantly, in developing the right character and attitude towards my endeavors. In my downfall, I managed to believe in the idea that I could still turn things around. Accepting failure as a challenge - I've finally reached the crucial point. While I'm aware that my life doesn't entirely depend on grades, I have to remind myself that my role and purpose at the moment is to be a student and how I am measured is through those digits.

For the past few weeks, I think I have regained optimism towards my studies. Although at times of immense pressure I am taunted to give up, I'd then realize I have to go on and do the best I can no matter what. For me it's not really a senseless battle to take project after project, report after report, seemingly never-ending requirements. Despite the burden imposed by the responsibilities I have to undertake, I understand that doing so has a meaningful purpose. I believe that the end goal is not just finishing them and getting a grade. I guess it's more important to learn as much such that I could possibly put them into application in the future. That's easy to say but I guess one can not really appreciate it unless he sees the bigger picture.

I am onto the end of the semester and of course it concludes with a lot of exams, projects, and other requirements. So far I am greatly contented with the positive results I have achieved. It's such a relief especially because most went better than I actually expected. I am really overwhelmed at the moment but I know things aren't finished yet. There are still many battles yet to be won. In a span of one week, I still have a lot of challenges to go through. Nevertheless, I am hopeful that I could overcome these trials before I could finally have my deserved break. The light at the end of the tunnel is near and I have to keep on running towards it. I'm halfway there and I need to keep my spirit. My long awaited redemption is almost at hand and I have to take it one step at a time.