It's never easy to cope up with failure; it's always a terrible feeling. When you've placed all your hopes on the line and prepare for your best chance, turns out things wouldn't work out as how they're supposed to. You tend to blame every little factor and undergo that period of denial, but in the end you realize there's no one else to blame but yourself. You try to imagine all the situations of what could have been but what recurs in your head is how it didn't happen. That makes it worse. Now here comes all the questions that pop out of your head. Will this greatly affect my future? Can I recover from this setback? Should this situation continue to dictate what I feel? Honestly, I don't know.
I'm a highly ambitious person but I can also be that bitterly pessimistic one. In the face of defeat, I become the latter. Sometimes I'd think it's not right to attach myself too much from my aspirations. Maybe my pursuit of the future blinds me and keeps me from seeing the good things in the present. Is this still something I'm willing to fight for? It's easy to say you can't give up on what you've started; but to find the strength to do so is definitely not. I easily lose motivation towards what's supposed to be meaningful to me. Ideally, I want to just enjoy the process and achieve an outcome; but I don't think that's real after all. There are a lot of real-world factors needed to be considered and things I have to learn.
I don't think I've done enough to improve. It seems like I keep on exerting efforts just for the sake of compensation. It's always challenge after challenge that I'm barely prepared to undertake. During the process, I constantly run out of fuel to function. Sometimes I'd look back and wish I did better; often times, I wouldn't want to care. It's only a matter of time when all my regrets would haunt me and weigh me down. I know there are many things that I am not in control of. I get anxious a lot of my own personal matters and that has not only cost me emotionally and mentally, but also physically. I'd sometimes wish I were a different person; but no, this is what I am and what I have to deal with. By how things are happening, I guess there has to be a change. It's hard to integrate what I should be, and what I currently am; but right now, that's my main goal - to acquire a new mental attitude just so I could cope up.
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