Another Awakening

It's strange how I always end up writing again when I thought I've already lost the motivation and interest towards it. It's like some disturbance would then make me realize that I may have been avoiding something I should be paying attention to. The recurring themes in my dreams that seem to be manifestations of mysterious elements in my sleep. When I'm awake, what takes over is the anxiety I experience that I know would subside as soon as I clear my thoughts. And so I write again because it's difficult to ignore when subconscious forces area already acting on me. I have no escape.

Into the New Day's Mist

So what's it gonna be? Nothing's been quite the same since I entered this stage of my life. All the parameters used to measure me are now obsolete. I am now on a completely different quest with barely any knowledge of what's in store for me and what's going to happen next. When this major shift happened, it was indeed disorienting for me. At a certain point, I realized that the only objective that I had was to sustain my own needs and survive. Shallow, isn't it? Well, I thought so too. However, looking at it from a realistic standpoint, I guess it was the most appropriate goal to aim for at that time. To be clear, in no way should it imply that I've become nihilistic; it's definitely the opposite. I have never lost the desire to live. In fact, I want to live even better. To do that, I first need to simplify by determining what is most essential, and when I do, I shall solely focus on that. This could be viewed as a minimalist approach and I do believe that it's a good idea to begin with. In a seemingly endless world of possibilities, I am but an entity with very limited capacity; therefore, I should also limit the scope of matters where I would exert effort on. It's also a world full of distractions; therefore I should focus only on what's relevant - choose the activities I engage in, and select which personal relationships to maintain.

So how then should I live? I summarize it into two things. Survival - by taking the best decisions to support my total well-being. Growth - by choosing the most important pursuits that would benefit my personal development.

Return to Regression

I guess this was inevitable. Although I foresaw this happening, this isn't exactly what I envisioned it to be. Getting lost would've been acceptable but it seems that I've been thrown out into space where I'm stuck and can't sail away. All I can do is flail around in this cosmic void until something interesting happens. I am disoriented, left with no points of reference to navigate through this circumstance. Where did I go wrong? - I finally ask myself. Was it a lack of preparation in my part? Do I bear all the fault for my lack of awareness? Could I have done something to avoid all these? Maybe I'll have to undergo the necessary struggle to know the answers. 

Looking back, it was a journey where I last found profound meaning; but that stage already came to a close. I can no longer go back and make the outcome any better. I've come past my intended waypoint and now I have to find something new. I have to venture into a new meaningful endeavor. But what do I bring into future when I failed to prove my worth in the past? Had I managed to attain the objectives I set for myself, I could've had a clearer idea of my next destination and it would've just been a walk in the park. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. So now I stumble around, trying to find my way. 

I searched thoroughly but as I went along, my efforts turned out to be futile. This land and all it contains are unfamiliar to me. I feel unequipped. There seems to be no ideal place when  reaching this stage. Maybe I should just turn back? I'm not sure. My vision is clouded with fog and mist. I can only look internally. Just when I thought I was already adequate, I then find out how hard it is to find a place where my value would be realized. I never thought I could end up being so devoid of doors for opportunity. So now, where do I even knock? This phase brought so much promise but never really delivered.

I don't think I'm in any hurry to escape from the current state that I'm in; I just really need to move forward but this whole situation is restraining me. I guess I'll just have to scale down my efforts and take time to ponder on what I want to do next - at least that's the idea. But I already know how things would turn out when I can't move forward. It's the unexpected return to the realm.

End of an Expedition

It's easy to feel bitter to miss out on something you know you really aimed for. As much as how you'd want to fend them off, all the questions still manage to cloud your thoughts. You try to contemplate on whether your efforts were all in vain, or whether you should've aimed higher than you did when it all mattered. Perhaps it was a fault in your part, or it could be, yet again, the ever cruel fate that took you as its helpless victim. I suppose right now it's easy to think so.

When you know you've done your part and somehow things still didn't seem to fall into place in the end, you can't help but feel defeated. "Maybe that's how life goes" - you tell yourself again; but then you remember you've been here before. You picked the pieces of your broken self up, and eventually got yourself together. You molded yourself into your best possible form but somehow all those didn't prove to be enough. It's all over now; history's course can no longer be altered. You didn't exactly lose but you know you didn't win either. You're still standing there in disbelief as the ground slowly tries to pull you under. Chaos - it's the nihilistic chaos that awaits below, waiting patiently for you to fall through.

In the midst of it all, you are alive. You should be thankful for that at least. But maybe you still can't get your head around it because know you definitely had more ambition than that. So what's next for you now? I don't even know; but I'm fairly certain that life's not yet over for you. There are still unexplored lands waiting to be conquered. You see, opportunity lies on the unknown. It may be daunting when you think about it but you know it's a place for you to thrive. You can't just hide in your dungeon and wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life. Who knows, the next new odyssey may bring out the best in you?  Well I guess none of us really knows what to expect out there. It's your task to find that out. 

Remnants of the Fall

"Maybe tomorrow", I tell myself again as I let another day pass, thinking about the things I intend to do but never manage to make. I've already identified my objectives but I'm still yet to develop a strategy that would improve my chances of making it through. I know that I'm not making the most out of my time, and I'm fairly certain I don't have much of it left. So what am I even doing? Not enough. That's for sure.

While my life isn't exactly spiraling out of control, I'm currently not functioning at the level that I know I can be capable of achieving. To this point, I still keep on letting opportunities slip away at an alarming rate. Looks like I haven't managed to fix that. Now I'm starting to think that I'd probably deviate and fall short of my own expectations at this rate. I don't want that to happen, not at all. But if that's the case, then why do I not possess the sense of urgency to steer myself back on course? Am I avoiding the struggle necessary for me to develop? It seems to point that way.

In each day that I try to maintain my balance, I always feel as though there's something beneath that tries to drag me back down to the pit that I escaped from. I guess a part of me may have been so used to being in a bitter and senseless state; that these days, even though there are no significant problems supposed to distract me, my own mind seeks for unnecessary trouble just to manifest its proclivity for idleness and inaction.

Right now, I just want to go on with what I do so I could keep on moving forward; but it's hard to do that when you are not one with yourself. On most days, I am able to function well when I manage to convince myself to do the necessary tasks for the day. On some occasions, the resisting part supersedes me. It forcefully makes me break away from the normal routine I try to maintain. I hate it when that happens. When I stop functioning for the remainder of the day, or week, my plans get derailed and I drift away.

I believe that this level of self-consciousness is quite burdensome. It demands a great deal of attention and mental strain. But I also feel that it's something I should seek to understand. Maybe there's an internal gauge within me that warns me of possible internal issues. Maybe it says that my eyes are too fixed outwards; that I need to pay more attention to what's happening inside me. It seems to be the case - that's what my intuition tells me. But I also know that I can't allow myself to get stuck in this ditch forever. I guess I  just need to deal with these internal matters momentarily before they'd eventually become potent enough to bring me down again.

I've already set my sights up high and I want to keep it that way. Without ambition, I would have nowhere to be. I need to go back to functioning at the level I am capable of. Maybe I could even try to go beyond  that. If I am successful in pacifying the internal struggle within, maybe I could negotiate with inner self better. For now, I'm still quite off-course but know I'm already on my way. 

The Epitome of Mediocrity

In the very moment that I am writing this, I am still trying to prevent my own frustration from pouring down onto me because I know I didn't do enough to overcome a challenge I know I was capable of undertaking. Each day I try to be better, but something always seems to hold me back. Deep within me, I have a feeling that I haven't been trying enough. It's a gut feeling that I know to be true. I guess what's worse is that I can't figure out what prevents me from exerting the effort that I am supposed to be making. I don't think I am doing terrible; but I'm not attaining the best positive outcome either. I feel as though I may be deviating from the original course that I have set towards my destination. It is strange and unsettling; but it's not a new experience. I've had a few notable episodes like this in the past. It seems that something inside me threatens to re-awaken; and if ever it does, it will not do me any good. I thought I've already let this part of me die out, but now it seems that there are still remnants of it that refuse to be vanquished. It's here to haunt me, ready to drag me down. 

In almost all the pieces that I write, it's always been a recurring story that never gets resolved. I always try to decipher this puzzle but in the end I never really reach any coherent conclusion. Whenever I tried to collect my thoughts, they usually would just fall apart and fade into obscurity. However, recently I have been in constant moments of deep thought about all that has been happening in my life. Right now, I feel as though I am now seeing it all in a different light. 

I used to be full of self-contempt. That was a terrible phase. I always cursed fate when things didn't go my way. On a lot of times, I thought I was born to bear the burden of my own inadequacies. I've always had the desire to improve in a lot of aspects but with every challenge that I had to face, I predestined myself to fail just to prove that I'd never really make it even if I tried. I imprisoned my mind in my own negative perceptions just to protect myself from the spiteful truth of not being good enough. I limited myself to that thinking it was a dead end on my quest. I turned into a mindlessly-wandering vagabond thinking my destination no longer existed.

It's unfathomable to try to measure the gravity of the crime that I have committed upon myself. The consequences have already unfolded and I can no longer change what has happened in history. While I did want improvement, my aim was tilting towards regress. I dragged myself into the pit of mediocrity just to prove to the world that I was the embodiment of a miserable attempt to personify my own ideals. The epitome of mediocrity - the title I bestow upon my former self. To repress all inner potential just to escape the burden of having to try to actualize it, and to possibly fail - that was the motive behind my actions. What seemed to be self-protection ultimately turned out to be self-sabotage.

Maybe I was so desperate to fit in, trying to be accepted by everyone else who considered that as the norm and thought the same way as me. Maybe I wanted them to see me as someone modest enough to admit my own inadequacies. I don't know. Those are both pretentious and inauthentic reasons and at that time, I just wasn't aware about it. I may have been doing these unconsciously for almost the entirety of my life. Well, I guess it would have been better if  I chose to limit this negativity to the confines of my own mind. But I didn't. Instead, I let it manifest through my actions. I kept on brandishing my self-deprecating tendencies to the people around me, both in real world and social media. I probably was the person that even my present self would have wanted to avoid. I was a regressive element that threatened to hinder the development of others just because I couldn't attain it myself, or because I have lost the belief to do so. 

It's both fulfilling and daunting to realize all of these. On one hand, I now know myself a little better as I have confronted the nature of my own negativity; on the other, I can't help but think how things would've been different if only I became aware early on. Imagine what I could have been, and how things would have turned out better than how they did in reality. Nothing would have hindered me from exerting the right efforts towards my personal endeavors. I could've moved closer towards living up to my own potentials. But I didn't. I lost the fight, and I let that happen. I didn't take my chances because I let them slip away. I have a lot of wrongdoings to make up for. I have to transcend from this state of mediocrity not only for myself but also for the world that I am a part of. It might be the best way to make amends. 

From now on, I am setting myself free from this prison of self-contempt. No longer should I limit myself to the bounds of my own negative perceptions. I've been in the darkness for far too long and now it's time to orient myself towards the light. I now realize that all along, I had the capacity to transcend from my own weaknesses only if I sincerely wanted to do so. I know I definitely should. For all the atrocities I have committed upon my own self in the past, I owe a great price. And now, it's about time I pay my dues.

Redemption Road

I have found myself and I am making my way back - back to the path I thought I'd never return to,  back to a path I so wanted to find. I have been mindlessly wandering for far too long but now it's about time I navigate again. It was never worthwhile being lost and adrift in the open seas. For me, to find my way out of that great expanse was probably something I could have only dreamed of. But here I am, I am alive. 

I have found land and I am walking again. I am raring to go and set forth on a journey I know I should've started long ago. I am on this strangely familiar road that leads to a destination not yet fully set. Just like a recurring vision in the past - something that is vague but brings promise. It calls me. I believe that it's where I am meant to be. I may have denied myself of it in the past countless of times, but this time, I am not turning away. I have decided to orient myself towards this destination and I should rightfully do all means to get to it. I am finally onto something and I have the strong belief that I am bound to get there. 

For now, I still cannot seem to identify what may have caused all of this change to take place within me. I continue to wonder but I am no longer wandering. Maybe I am called to tread on this road to fulfill a destiny. Maybe it's fate trying to make up for all the adversities it has given me in the past. Either way, all I am certain of is that I now believe that I have the capability to go and pursue it.