The Pitfall to Nihilism

The past few months have not been the best that I had to live with. It's just that things didn't turn out to be as good as how I envisioned them to be from the past. As of the moment, I am deviating greatly from an ideal outcome which I thought was likely bound to happen. I thought that the struggle I'd have to go through for me to reach the next stage in my life would only be minimal but apparently, I didn't get that one right.

So many unfortunate events have happened and I've suffered some emotional blows along the way. Most of these adversities have knocked me off my feet and dragged me into the depths I've never been into before. During a lot of circumstances, I had to make crucial big decisions that put my immediate future at stake. For now I can't really say whether choosing those courses of action are actually working out for me. I know most of these decisions were questionable and disappointing in the eyes of my peers. But I guess those were tough calls. Upon every time I had to decide, I knew I wouldn't be fully prepared and I couldn't rule out the possibility that I may overlook the impending consequences. 

Considering the recent months alone, I've lost count of the number of days which I considered being the worst of my life. There's just been some particular events that seemed to be out of my control mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by tragedy that I become incapacitated to make sound judgment to steer myself back on course. Right now, it appears that I am perpetually stuck on endless meaningless cycles of me forgetting what I want to achieve while still trying to get to where I'm supposed to be.

It's in times like these that I keep trying not to be devoured by nihilism. When things turn incredibly catastrophic, it's when I want to strip meaning out of reality just to make it seem less terrible for myself to deal with. While I know that my life still has meaning yet to be fully pursued, episodes like these tend to awaken my nihilistic tendencies. It sure is tempting to give in sometimes - to just let everything go, forget all ambition, and chase nothing for the rest of my life. In that way maybe no failure would ever bother me again. 

But to seriously think about it, what kind of life would that be? Surely, not the one I want for myself. I believe that's pathetic and it's not who I am. In this moment I guess I know better about life's undesirable surprises. When you're at the heart of chaos, it's truly hard to remain resilient. I myself have crumbled down quite a lot of times. Right now, I'm not in the best state to be in. However, upon re-assessing my situation, I realized that somehow I've managed to continue living through all of these negative experiences. Until now, I am still doing my utmost to fend off every threat of nihilistic thoughts that try to poison my mind. I'm no optimist and I know that worse things in the future would come my way but I just have to remember to keep going no matter what.