Nightmares When I'm Awake

Waking up in the morning, realizing you're still in the same undesirable situation you've put yourself in is a heavy terrible feeling to bear. It's that mix of guilt and regret that constantly weighs you down, that kind of haunting feeling that emotionally paralyzes you. When you know you could've done something to prevent negative outcomes from occurring, but somehow you end up doing nothing about the situation at all. What always follows is that terrible feeling of wanting to be numb to everything and just disappear.

On most instances, the fear that takes over my emotions becomes the reason I lose all my self-belief. I get mentally and emotionally incapacitated when I think about not achieving all the things I'm supposed to achieve. Though it's something I am supposed to overcome, I keep running away and I always end up drowning myself in my own delusions just to make myself feel better. It's definitely not the best course of action to take when coping up with failure but I think it's a defense mechanism that is deeply rooted within my system. To transcend from reality and forget its imperfections somehow gives me that sense of relief that I crave for in times like these. It's a way I unconsciously resort to that always turns out to be short-lived as soon as reality find its way back into me.

At this particular point in my life, I do believe that I haven't fully known myself yet. Although I am well aware that I am lackadaisical towards almost everything, there's still a lot of things I haven't figured out about myself. I know I still have that widely ambitious part of me but I still wonder why I keep letting these negative situations happen. But then after all those months of trying to decipher this dilemma, I arrived at the realization that I am indeed a coward hiding behind this mask of apathy and pessimism. All these failures happened not because I lacked the ambition but because I didn't have the courage to fight for myself. I didn't have the determination and persistence to overcome the challenges I faced, and I didn't have the strength to shut out the fears that eventually destroyed me.

Being stuck in this nightmare in reality is truly tough to take. However, I can't blame anyone one else but myself. In these recent years, I've managed to get into this kind of situation more times than I could've imagined. Right now, I am not completely out of hope that one day I'll eventually learn to steer my course out of harm's way. For the meantime, I'm still left to wonder and to figure out how I am supposed to cope up and deal with an undesirable situation such as this. I know I do not have much time left; it's either I leave this ship, or drown in the water.