The Fall

Once again, I have placed myself in this self-imposed isolation in the hopes of fixing my current state of being.  For as long as I can remember, this has always been my response mechanism in times of personal troubles. As much as I try to avoid it, there would always be moments when I have to withdraw from the world just so I could look deeply into myself with great focus. For me, it's a crucial period to assess myself and identify the faults within me. In this way, I could see what I have to change that I may ultimately improve and become better prepared in overcoming the challenges I need to face.

Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to always work for me; often times, there'd always be that part of me that becomes too uncooperative. When my actions become incoherent with my own thoughts, it's truly a tough struggle trying to bring them back together. It's a rigorous battle that doesn't achieve anything the end of the day. Whenever I try to understand myself better, I'd always end up having more questions than answers. It is definitely not an easy undertaking.

I've come to think of it. Perhaps I formulated these reasons just so that I could justify my own inaction. Is this really making me any better? I have already given myself enough time to work on myself, but I'm still yet to exert any significant effort to achieve any progress. Instead, I ended up wasting my time trying to avoid the monumental task I am supposed to do. During all these months, I have been cowering in a dark little corner instead of going back out there to fight and make things right for myself. That's enough to prove how stubborn and apathetic I am in the midst of all this chaos. I knew what I had to do but I still keep on running away from it. I've been so suffocated by fear and self-doubt that I've resorted into building walls around me just so I can hide in a safe-space that protects me from the judgment of the world I'm supposed to be a part of. I deliberately kept myself in the dark just to avoid witnessing my own downfall unfold before me. I drowned myself in my own delusions so that I could forget the unforgiving world that has unsettled my state of being. 

Losing a battle is always tragic but now I realize that the greater tragedy is losing myself in the aftermath. I have inadvertently dug myself a deeper hole. I could've escaped this terrible fate a little earlier but I steered myself onto a head-on collision instead. So now I'm momentarily stuck in this unfathomable predicament as a consequence of the decisions I've made in the past. For the moment, I remain to be dumbfounded after all that's happened during the past few months. I haven't been my best self and I know I shouldn't let this go on forever. I do not belong in this meaningless realm. It's always hard to sleep at night knowing I've wasted yet another day. I continue to be appaled by my own apathy and inaction and I still can't figure out why I this always tends to happen. There must be something inside me I cannot seem to confront. I don't know why I waste a lot of time, or why I always fail to take my chances. There are still a lot of faults within me that need to be resolved. Nevertheless, I know I'll have to find the answers within me. I just have to take a step back to re-evaluate myself. I guess I'll have to reach out to that part of me that I may have forgotten.

October Odyssey

Up to now, I'm still adrift in ambiguous waters with no idea of where I am at the moment. I was supposed to orient myself towards a certain direction but now I find myself in a vast empty space with no means of navigating through. As each day passes by, I realize I'm not getting any closer to my desired destination. I am running out of time. If I don't make it out of here, I might not get to anywhere else at all. I try to think and let the fear subside. Perhaps there's still something I can do. Perhaps, I just don't know how to start again. It's tough. I've already lost the will to continue and I know I can't turn back. Why would I journey this far for all these just not to count? I suppose I'm left with no choice but to make the most of what I have just to find my way back.

There and Back Again

So here I find myself again in this dark and desolate place where it always seems so familiar yet also incredibly hostile. While it hasn't been long since I last got out of a predicament like this, I'm stuck once more in this wasteland with little to no memory of how I made it through the previous one. It's quite strange when it hits you because it's not something you could actually anticipate. It's when life suddenly becomes so unreasonably unstructured that you can no longer tell when a day ends and the next one begins. Everything's just up in the air and you become incapable of formulating plans for the following day or the immediate future.

Well I guess the worst part is the heavy dose of emotion that comes along with every episode. For me, it gets too much to bear even if I try to numb myself down. As much as I try to swim out of it, I still keep on drowning every now and then. There'd always be a time when you thought you've finally reached the surface to finally breathe again, but some little trigger would just drag you further down.

It's both surreal and pathetic trying to get over a situation such as this. I still feel terrified of going back to the world and face whatever it is that's out there. I know I have to keep up with reality but  I'm still highly unsure of myself and whether I can fare on life's waters again. Up to this moment, I remain to be trapped in this bubble that I let myself slip into. I have to be better in a lot of aspects but  right now I'm terribly off-course with no adequate knowledge of how I could get back on track. 

The Pitfall to Nihilism

The past few months have not been the best that I had to live with. It's just that things didn't turn out to be as good as how I envisioned them to be from the past. As of the moment, I am deviating greatly from an ideal outcome which I thought was likely bound to happen. I thought that the struggle I'd have to go through for me to reach the next stage in my life would only be minimal but apparently, I didn't get that one right.

So many unfortunate events have happened and I've suffered some emotional blows along the way. Most of these adversities have knocked me off my feet and dragged me into the depths I've never been into before. During a lot of circumstances, I had to make crucial big decisions that put my immediate future at stake. For now I can't really say whether choosing those courses of action are actually working out for me. I know most of these decisions were questionable and disappointing in the eyes of my peers. But I guess those were tough calls. Upon every time I had to decide, I knew I wouldn't be fully prepared and I couldn't rule out the possibility that I may overlook the impending consequences. 

Considering the recent months alone, I've lost count of the number of days which I considered being the worst of my life. There's just been some particular events that seemed to be out of my control mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by tragedy that I become incapacitated to make sound judgment to steer myself back on course. Right now, it appears that I am perpetually stuck on endless meaningless cycles of me forgetting what I want to achieve while still trying to get to where I'm supposed to be.

It's in times like these that I keep trying not to be devoured by nihilism. When things turn incredibly catastrophic, it's when I want to strip meaning out of reality just to make it seem less terrible for myself to deal with. While I know that my life still has meaning yet to be fully pursued, episodes like these tend to awaken my nihilistic tendencies. It sure is tempting to give in sometimes - to just let everything go, forget all ambition, and chase nothing for the rest of my life. In that way maybe no failure would ever bother me again. 

But to seriously think about it, what kind of life would that be? Surely, not the one I want for myself. I believe that's pathetic and it's not who I am. In this moment I guess I know better about life's undesirable surprises. When you're at the heart of chaos, it's truly hard to remain resilient. I myself have crumbled down quite a lot of times. Right now, I'm not in the best state to be in. However, upon re-assessing my situation, I realized that somehow I've managed to continue living through all of these negative experiences. Until now, I am still doing my utmost to fend off every threat of nihilistic thoughts that try to poison my mind. I'm no optimist and I know that worse things in the future would come my way but I just have to remember to keep going no matter what.

Nightmares When I'm Awake

Waking up in the morning, realizing you're still in the same undesirable situation you've put yourself in is a heavy terrible feeling to bear. It's that mix of guilt and regret that constantly weighs you down, that kind of haunting feeling that emotionally paralyzes you. When you know you could've done something to prevent negative outcomes from occurring, but somehow you end up doing nothing about the situation at all. What always follows is that terrible feeling of wanting to be numb to everything and just disappear.

On most instances, the fear that takes over my emotions becomes the reason I lose all my self-belief. I get mentally and emotionally incapacitated when I think about not achieving all the things I'm supposed to achieve. Though it's something I am supposed to overcome, I keep running away and I always end up drowning myself in my own delusions just to make myself feel better. It's definitely not the best course of action to take when coping up with failure but I think it's a defense mechanism that is deeply rooted within my system. To transcend from reality and forget its imperfections somehow gives me that sense of relief that I crave for in times like these. It's a way I unconsciously resort to that always turns out to be short-lived as soon as reality find its way back into me.

At this particular point in my life, I do believe that I haven't fully known myself yet. Although I am well aware that I am lackadaisical towards almost everything, there's still a lot of things I haven't figured out about myself. I know I still have that widely ambitious part of me but I still wonder why I keep letting these negative situations happen. But then after all those months of trying to decipher this dilemma, I arrived at the realization that I am indeed a coward hiding behind this mask of apathy and pessimism. All these failures happened not because I lacked the ambition but because I didn't have the courage to fight for myself. I didn't have the determination and persistence to overcome the challenges I faced, and I didn't have the strength to shut out the fears that eventually destroyed me.

Being stuck in this nightmare in reality is truly tough to take. However, I can't blame anyone one else but myself. In these recent years, I've managed to get into this kind of situation more times than I could've imagined. Right now, I am not completely out of hope that one day I'll eventually learn to steer my course out of harm's way. For the meantime, I'm still left to wonder and to figure out how I am supposed to cope up and deal with an undesirable situation such as this. I know I do not have much time left; it's either I leave this ship, or drown in the water.