A Flickering Light of Hope

Negativity is a dark prison where all your thoughts ceaselessly resound between the walls that contain you. Sometimes, you wouldn't know whether you'd ever make your way out; sometimes, you couldn't even recall how you ended up there. You always feel helpless thinking of the many little troubles filling your head. May it be overcoming an experience of failure, or lamenting over unfulfilled wishes, it's a constant battle. 

Yes, it's definitely bad to be negative. That's what everybody says; and I believe in that too. But there would always be days when these dark clouds lurk above my head. Suddenly, I get blinded. I become incapable of appreciating anything at all. Then there comes a point when I realize I have no idea where I'm supposed to be. When I've run aground, I'd lose all self-esteem and forget who I am. It seems every circumstance suggests I can't be the person that I thought I could be, and that my hopeful visions are but a dream.

Life's tough; but I guess it's worse when you're in constant thought of every little instance that you feel you were responsible for. I wish it were that easy to just not worry at all. I know It's good to be optimistic and to appreciate what's in the present; but I learned there will always be real factors that would soon outweigh that positivity. It's a battle I always lose. I may know what to think but I'm always overpowered by these emotions.

Until now, I'm still figuring out how to step out of those dark clouds. Maybe I just need to take a break and ponder on what is missing. This turmoil inside me has to be silenced; and I guess I have to rebuild myself no matter what. I keep on saying to myself I'm never good enough; but I think that's both a bad thing and a good thing. On the brighter side, I still have a lot to improve; on the contrary, there are still shadows of doubt on myself needed to be erased. I hate to be a failure. That motivates and terrifies me at the same time. I'm never sure if my efforts are actually amounting into something. There had already been a lot of chances I've ruined and wasted. Though I managed to pick some important lessons along the way, I still wonder if I'd ever succeed again. Well, I really don't know. I realized anything can happen because life is precarious.

Contemplations from a Setback

It's never easy to cope up with failure; it's always a terrible feeling. When you've placed all your hopes on the line and prepare for your best chance, turns out things wouldn't work out as how they're supposed to. You tend to blame every little factor and undergo that period of denial, but in the end you realize there's no one else to blame but yourself. You try to imagine all the situations of what could have been but what recurs in your head is how it didn't happen. That makes it worse. Now here comes all the questions that pop out of your head. Will this greatly affect my future? Can I recover from this setback? Should this situation continue to dictate what I feel? Honestly, I don't know. 

I'm a highly ambitious person but I can also be that bitterly pessimistic one. In the face of defeat, I become the latter. Sometimes I'd think it's not right to attach myself too much from my aspirations. Maybe my pursuit of the future blinds me and keeps me from seeing the good things in the present. Is this still something I'm willing to fight for? It's easy to say you can't give up on what you've started; but to find the strength to do so is definitely not. I easily lose motivation towards what's supposed to be meaningful to me. Ideally, I want to just enjoy the process and achieve an outcome; but I don't think that's real after all. There are a lot of real-world factors needed to be considered and things I have to learn. 

I don't think I've done enough to improve. It seems like I keep on exerting efforts just for the sake of compensation. It's always challenge after challenge that I'm barely prepared to undertake. During the process, I constantly run out of fuel to function. Sometimes I'd look back and wish I did better; often times, I wouldn't want to care. It's only a matter of time when all my regrets would  haunt me and weigh me down. I know there are many things that I am not in control of. I get anxious a lot of my own personal matters and that has not only cost me emotionally and mentally, but also physically. I'd sometimes wish I were a different person; but no, this is what I am and what I have to deal with. By how things are happening, I guess there has to be a change. It's hard to integrate what I should be, and what I currently am; but right now, that's my main goal - to acquire a new mental attitude just so I could cope up.