Downfall and Conquest

Today is a summer day of 2014 and I remember a year ago, I graduated high school and enrolled for college. On those times I still didn't have much idea on how my first year in college would be like. I didn't really have a vivid mental picture on what I would be experiencing. From what everyone has told me, I thought the first year in college would be easier than high school. Now that I have just survived my first year in college, I could say that everything was totally different from what I've expected it to be. On some aspect, it's better than high school; on another hand, it's much more complex.

In college, I have found myself immersed in an entirely different world. For me who comes from another island, I am not really familiar with the city. Though we visit here every Christmas, I haven't really had an in-depth knowledge on city living. It's a new environment with new people; and it's a different reality. I had to adjust to a new physical and social environment. Well, those weren't the only coping up I had to do. I also had to adjust on the academic aspect as well. As they say, engineering is one of the toughest courses; and basing from my experiences in the first year of this program, I conclude that it is true. Honestly, I only learned about this during college; and it wasn't something I have foreseen when I was in high school. All I knew back then was I wanted to become an engineer because I could deal with math. And I thought everything would go so smoothly since they say the first year in college wouldn't be that hard; but reality did prove me wrong. 

In my first semester, everything was supposed to be alright. Most of the subjects were like a review of high school, except there was a subject teaching about the overview of  Civil Engineering. I thought everything was manageable; but something that caught me off guard. As all engineering courses are required to take, I had to deal with this subject called engineering drafting. It is a fundamental skill on learning the graphical language used by engineers and other technical personnel associated with the engineering profession. The purpose of engineering drawing is to convey graphically the ideas and information necessary for the construction or analysis of machines, structures, or systems. (definition from thefreedictionary.com) 

This was really a disadvantage for me since I am really not talented in drawing, and my penmanship is horrible. Actually, my father who is an electrical engineer, has excellent penmanship - very engineer-like; and his drawing is undeniably great. One time in fifth grade when our printer ran out of ink, he wrote my homework; and the product didn't even seem like it was handwritten. I can't enumerate more but I think that's enough to prove my point. Unfortunately, his youngest son didn't acquire these features. I don't know what happened in the process; but I guess genetics didn't favor me. Although Geometry was one of my favorite subjects in high school aside from Chemistry, I am only good in the theoretical aspect. Anyway, first we had to be familiar working with the tools- the drafting pens, the compass, the triangles, the scales, and everything else. In our first activity, my performance was of course terrible. It wasn't only because of my penmanship, but I also didn't know how to use the drafting pens. it's way different from the standard pens we use; it's a bit larger in radius with a long pointed tip, and each cost a thousand. The worst thing is -  if the ink would blot on your paper, you have to do everything again back from the start since the professor is strict in terms of cleanliness. Three continuous hours in a week was allotted to this subject; but those hours go so fast since it's always full of pressure. I hated those since my performance would worsen if I were pressured. But actually, I was lucky enough to be seated next to a person who already had drafting experience in his high school. He taught me some of the things to do and not to do in drafting, and those actually helped me in coping up. I really envy those experienced people since every activity was always easy for them; meanwhile, an inexperienced me is always struggling to pass a clean and satisfactory work. 

One of the times I will never forget was when I worked all night to work on two plates to be submitted the next day. The homework was given the week before, and I actually had previous drafts but I disposed them since they were messy and full of errors. I got tired of doing and I just felt so unmotivated; so I never did them days before it was due. What a great mistake that was since I had to burn the midnight candle on the eve of submission. It was the most stressful night of my life. I poured all my blood, sweat, and tears as I was working; and I tore some drafting papers that had errors in them because of my extreme frustration. I was so nervous the whole process because I didn't want to make a mistake. However, the consequences of time-pressure, and sleep deprivation were numerous wasted drafts, and an unfinished mediocre output. The next day, I went to school with absolutely no sleep. I had to bear with my drowsiness throughout the day and I worked on it when the time was free. Because I was doing some finishing touches to my works during lunch break, I entered the class late. Never have I expected the worst of things to happen - both works were marked failing grades. It was a horrendous nightmare; all my hard work and hours of working were repaid with such. I thought it was unacceptable; but I guess that was the price of my irresponsibility. It was beyond disheartening; but later on I accepted it since it was all my fault anyway. I was already open to the possibility that I may not pass the subject. 

During those times, I felt like I lost all hope. I thought I wasn't fit for the engineering program, that my decision in choosing this program was a big mistake. This weakness of mine made me re-consider in continuing my engineering course. On some instances, I wanted to quit, and I thought of pursuing an aviation-related course instead. But I guess those arguments with my self  didn't come to a serious point; it was all just up to an idea. One time I opened it up to my brother, and I expressed on how I was having difficulties with the subject. I complained that if only I knew about drafting beforehand, I could have prepared for it. But what he told me was something that opened my eyes, and something I still value up to now. He told me that in college, you are there to learn.  At the beginning, you are not expected to be already excellent; that the purpose of education is for you to learn and acquire the skills taught, so that you could be excellent. For days I contemplated on this and I gradually found courage and strength to go on. I regained hope and my optimism to pursue with my course, and I developed a new perspective. Instead of looking at it as a weakness, I viewed it as a challenge - a great one. I started practicing more, and I looked for ways to improve my penmanship, drawing, and my overall performance. I had to equal that great challenge with the great courage I have found. I was determined in looking for solutions to my own crisis. 

I tried to look at the factors that affect my performance; and the main reason was the pens I use. I always had much difficulty with those permanent tech pens; they blot easily, you  have to change the ink occasionally, and they always fall off from my compass. Because of these, my outputs were always messy. I guess using permanent was the primary reason I couldn't pass quality works. Since then, I opted for temporary tech pens instead. They were much cheaper, you didn't have to change its ink, they're easier to use, and for me those were way more efficient. I also bought a new compass since the other one was only compatible to permanent. With my new materials, and all the hard work I dedicated, I gradually improved in my drafting. I also learned to enjoy and understand the process instead of merely wanting to finish it, and always being so nervous about making a mistake. Unlike before, when I treated every activity as a burden, now it has become a new opportunity to improve. I developed a lot of techniques to make my work faster and easier without compromising the quality of my output. I also did my best to improve my time-management and never to be late for that subject. 

To sum it all up, I did pass the drafting subject. Though it's the lowest grade among the other subjects,  I am satisfied; it's what I deserve. And it's not really a big pull-down for my weighted average grade since it's just one unit. Anyway, the most important thing is that I have learned to deal with this unforeseen challenge. I have learned that life doesn't go so smoothly as you expect it to be; there will always be an instance when you'll have to face your own weaknesses. And when that moment comes, it probably might take you by surprise. It will either break your spirit, or build your character; it depends on how you deal with the situation. But I know all of us has a breaking point; one day you will feel defeated in the midst of all the challenges that encompass you. One day you will ask a lot of questions, you will cry out all your complaints to life, you will keep on blaming others until you learn there's no one else to blame but yourself.  I know it is terrible when you feel like you're walking alone, carrying all your heavy burdens. On these moments, you just have to find peace within yourself, and seek counsel from the people around you, and from God. When you think all hope is lost, find it. You have to break away from all that negativity that surrounds you, and find a way to fight the things that torment you. Pause for a moment, and look at all the better things in life. And if you have already done all these, try to find the solutions rationally; you shouldn't overthink because it will only make things worse. Let your weaknesses and your failures challenge you. Every day is always an opportunity to improve yourself. Just keep believing in yourself - that you can overcome the challenges life gives you.  Change is not an overnight process; but if you have enough dedication, you will see the magic unravel in front of your eyes. 

An Impeded Voyage

I'm a ship that ran aground, waiting for a rescue mission that may never arrive. Stranded in the middle of the open sea, the waves are crashing down on me. Everyday, I watch the sun fight the darkness as it rises on this clear horizon; but somehow I'm still waiting for that beacon of hope to shine upon me. All these entities I carry are slowly dying as each day goes by. I struggle to hold my ground as these currents are all raging against me. This voyage has been a failure; and soon enough I'll drift away into nothingness, or sink into the very depths of this ocean. 

My Experiences on Writing

I may have been writing a lot for my blogs these past few months; but before my blogs, my being a writer was just occasional. I only wrote for school projects, our school paper, or other requirements. I rarely wrote anything for leisure. Well, I actually made some poems and some sort of diary entries when I was an adolescent but I got rid of them later on since I found them childish and unworthy of keeping. Time went by, I graduated high school and entered college. Since then my writer self has been quite dormant; but there were things I had  to write for - like reaction papers and written reports.

It was only last November 2013, when I started writing for a non-academic purpose. I created a blogger account and launched my debut blog - the Haiyan Blog; this blog contains my personal account of Typhoon Haiyan. It was such an extraordinary event that I have never experienced before; I found it worth recording and sharing. Aside from that, I also wanted to preserve everything that was running on my mind on that instance, and all those experiences after the storm. The next blog I created was my Literary blog; in this blog are some of my essays and poems that I wrote when I was in high school. Most of these were school requirements which I decided to keep for future use. I actually have more essays and poems but some of which did not pass my quality control, and some are still pending. The third blog I made was the Multimedia blog; in this blog, I posted the products of my photo/video/audio editing. And the latest blog I launched was this blog. This is the blog where I put my personal experiences, ideas, thoughts, and also things I am currently up to. Well, I never really foresaw all these things to happen. I never really envisioned myself writing for my blogs; unlike before, now, writing has been a hobby to me already.

I got into writing in fifth grade when I joined the school news publication. I'm not really sure how I ended there but I guess it was because I was recommended by a teacher since I had good grades in English. I wrote articles covering on school events, and also some feature write-ups. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy those tasks. First, you have to take the details - the who, what, when, or where about the topic. Then, you have to make an entire article out of those details. That was what I didn't like; it was difficult for me since I didn't really know how to expound sentences. Unlike my peers who were more enthusiastic, and who wrote well, I was rather straight-forward in writing, and my articles were short and very plain. I wasn't skilled in making write-ups more interesting and worth reading. I'm pretty sure I always gave a hard time for our moderator to edit my submissions.

Since sixth grade, I became an insomniac; and it was really terrible. All those nights, my mind gets very chaotic with all the random thoughts running on my head. It's pretty weird because I couldn't just stop the traffic of ideas and imaginary scenarios happening on my mind; it was almost uncontrollable. Alongwith my becoming an insomniac, it was also during those times that I started to become mature mentally. I started to see the world in a new perspective; I realized that there was a big world out there that I am a part of. And that world was full of intricate systems that were not always fair to everyone. There are injustices, there are those who are favored more, and there are many things that are just not possible. I discovered that reality was far from being a perfect world. With this glimpse of reality, I sought to learn more; and during the process, I developed this social awareness and concern for the greater society itself. From then on, I learned to react to certain issues in the society.

However, during that era of my life, I also embarked on a quest to know myself. Since childhood, I have always been that solitary type of person; and I have spent most of my life contemplating on my own thoughts. It was during those times that my emotional and mental development heightened. On some instances, I would ponder of the meaning of life itself, or what my purpose could be. There were lots of questions springing from my mind; and these always kept me awake at night. But as I gained various experiences in the real world, I also learned to establish my own principles that I now uphold and believe in. Through time and experience, some of my questions were answered; while many others are still on queue. But nevertheless, this quest I have embarked on allowed me to unearth my own perspectives in life.

So I have just given a short background of myself. Now the question is: what made me decide to be a writer? Well, first of all, sometimes I also wonder on this matter. Second, I am not even sure if I can consider myself as a writer. I admit that I am not that gifted with the creativity to play with words and imagination; I only write in the manner I am comfortable to express my views. I also have a confession to make, it may be strange for you to hear; but I am not a person who is into books. Most of you probably thought I am writing because I have been inspired by the books I read, or the authors who wrote them. I am not against it; I have read a few novels in my lifetime, but I don't really find myself getting into it. The only reason I write is because I want to liberate all these imprisoned ideas and thoughts bursting out of my head. The only way to keep my mind from imploding is to set these thoughts free.

I have found meaning in writing. It has been a medium to fully express myself; it is a way for me to transform my abstract thoughts into an organized piece of literary work. But though the idea may sound enchanting, that process is truly very complicated. It is always a great battle for me. The way I write is not merely putting up everything I have in mind into a write-up. I have to make sure I am understood. I have to be clear and organized. I also want readers to feel what I wan them to feel. One goal of a writer is to establish a certain connection with the readers; I have to convey my messages well.

Through essay-writing, I can express my personal insights, and concern towards various pressing issues on the society. It is a means for me to raise social awareness especially to those who are uninformed. The main purpose of each essay is to influence readers, and let them be aware of the responsibility in being a part of the solution of these issues. It is truly a great challenge; that is why I wrote very rarely before. It takes a lot of effort, time, and patience to build a perfect write-up. I have to gather enough facts, ideas, insights, and some creativity to make it come to life. Yes, it is a struggle; but arms me for battle is the essential things I am equipped with. Having the right principles, a good perspective of things, right criticism, I could uphold my own stand on these certain issues.

It was in my second year high school that I started joining essay contests. I don't really remember whether I volunteered or I was chosen to be the representative of the group but still I pushed through with it. The essay contest was part of a yearly science event. There was a 2 or 3-hour time limit, minimum of 300 words, and the topic of what we would write were always based on the theme.  It was my first time joining an essay contest. In my younger years, I never knew what an essay was; I guess it was in 6th grade when we were taught about it. The most important thing I have learned about writing is that you have to be organized. There must always be an introduction, body, and conclusion; and each main ideas have to be supported by details.  Prior to this contest I already had little experience in writing insights, and reactions on journals, tests or other school papers. These actually helped me develop my own style in writing - on how I present my thoughts, and how I organize them into structures. These were the things that armed me for the contest. Anyway, the topic was about disaster awareness (as far as I remember) and it was quite a challenge since it was my first time to write with time constraint. Well, the first thing I did was list down the main ideas that would be the outline of my write-up; then, I expounded them with supporting details. Everything else I've written was about upholding my ideas and principle in solving the problem. It wasn't easy; as I am very fallible to time pressure, my hands were shaking as I wrote. And when I didn't know what to write next, I would panic. Then the time was due and we had to pass our works; thank God I actually finished writing. Okay, to conclude the story, one day I was called on stage to receive the award as champion of the competition. It was indeed an astonishing moment. From the start, I wasn't really that confident since it was my first time joining such competition. It wasn't something I expected; I never envisioned myself to be writing essays, or to be joining competitions. I just tried, and this was the result. I was really happy with it and since then I've decided to join that annual contest until my last year in high school. I challenged myself to protect the title; and yes, I actually did. Well, I guess I got the hang of it. Anyway, out of my three entries, I only retrieved one. It was the only entry that was published  on our school paper. I didn't have a copy of the others since they were never returned after submission. That one entry, which is now in my literary blog, has actually undergone a lot of revisions before I posted it. The original, which I wrote three years ago - I found it so substandard. I felt so ashamed while I was reading it.I had to re-work it some weeks ago for it to really pass my quality control. And that's why I shouldn't really be proud of my title; now I actually question myself if I deserved those awards. I don't know. I couldn't really say until I read the other two entries again. Well, anyway, whether I won those or not, writing for contests was a great learning experience for me. I was able to share my own insights through those essays. I was able to face the challenge of writing under time-pressure. Every essay-writing contest was an opportunity for me utilize my capabilities, and grow as a writer and as a person.

In my third year high school, I rejoined the school news publication. I was an opinion writer and I wrote two opinion articles each year. On some times, I was also assigned for other articles that covered school events. And yes, I still didn't enjoy doing those; I was only comfortable in writing opinion articles. The hard part was always finding a topic that I would want to react on. Though I was usually reactive to politics, the environment, or various social issues, I found it difficult to choose since I am very indecisive. And if ever I found my desired subject, starting a write-up was always difficult. It took days or weeks for me to finally start writing. It's actually a tedious process of breaking down clusters of disorganized thoughts so you could filter them into systematized ideas. It takes a lot of concentration (and coffee) for me to formulate a good write-up. Until now, that's always a dilemma. And aside from that, my passion for writing is only occasional. It's not everyday that I could write well. If I forced myself to write, I get very vague and senseless with my write-ups. But if there was an instance I had that burning passion, I could be unstoppable. I really have to savor that moment and finish the write-up before that laziness or exhaustion attacks. It's always an ecstatic moment when the flow of ideas is never-ending when I am writing. It's like my mind's the engine and that passion is the fuel that keeps me working smoothly. Anyway, when I finish an article, I get very relieved and satisfied with my work. However, the article's course doesn't end there; it still has to undergo a lot of revisions. After I submit them, our moderator would then cite my mistakes; may it be the title, the facts, or the details. There was a time when there was a very big mistake on my write-up. What I thought as facts were only my own assumptions. Later, I was able to revise it and make the article really based on facts. That really taught me a very important lesson - to always review facts before getting to react and conclude. Other mistakes that I did were contradicting myself in my own article. In my essays, as much as possible, I avoid being so biased. I also try to consider the other side of the issue. But I guess I took it too far. The sentence was: "However, I do not completely oppose to its implementation"; and all the while all statements above stated my opposition. The revision was: "However, I do understand that this law also has good purposes". Well, those mistakes were learning experiences. Writing for the school paper actually helped me improve in writing. It made me realize my own imperfections. Though I'm aware I'm never a perfect writer; on some instances I tend to be overconfident with myself. These mistakes serves me a reminder that I am not as great as what I think I am.

Fast-forward to the present time, I currently have 4 blogs running and I have been writing more frequently these past few months. I have a lot of plans for this personal blog; and there are a lot of topics I want to write about. However, my writer self only visits me very seldom. I haven't even finished Haiyan blog. I am actually ending it with an essay; but I'm still figuring out how I would formulate a perfect write-up for it. On my literary blog, I am still deciding which works from my high school will be added. And for now, I still have no plans on writing a new essay. Anyway, I still have 32 days of summer and I hope I could make the most out of these remaining days of freedom and boredom. I do hope I could keep myself busy by writing for my blogs. This is actually the only way I can be productive this summer. And I do hope I could continue expanding my own world through my blogs. Thank you for reading this write-up. I hope you learned something. Stay updated and never miss a post by following.  :) 

Struggling with Reality - The Idealist's Dilemma

I have always been that idealistic and ambitious type of person. During the hours of past midnight when I couldn't sleep, my mind gets so busy formulating lots of ideas. Some of them have been real; while many are still awaiting to be fulfilled. In my mind, I have built an entire world that I want for myself - an ideal world with an ideal quality of life,  ideal things, and an ideal self.

It's not only on those hours that I become that idealist. It's also when I'm placed on a difficult situation in life. Before I even think of probable solutions, I would think of how that situation could have never happened if ever I were in better conditions. "This would not have happened if ever I had this, or if ever I had that." These things pop out on my mind; and I would then imagine myself evading all the difficulties. Alibis, complaints - these are indications when I couldn't accept my own reality. It is always in that cycle that creates the struggle; and it worsens if you don't break out of it. This process is recurring but there is only one thing to remember just to break out of that struggle. Reality will always work as it is, and not how you want it to be. And that is something we all need to accept. Sometimes we have to abandon our ideals and accept our own reality. You have to put your focus back into the real world because dwelling on your ideal world only wastes your time. Instead of worrying on how your ideal world is so opposite with the real world, the best way is to find solutions to your difficulties, and do all what you can to improve your condition with reality.

Yes, I am an idealist, and I am struggling with reality. Well, I may have mentioned to you on dealing with such struggle; and it's easy to think I could easily fend off the struggles in my life. But there really are things easy to say but difficult to do; and that's another struggle I face - living up to my own words. Anyway, this is different, it's about my ambitious self  being so persistent and restless. I know my ideal world may be constantly expanding, but actually my real life is not even progressing. I always imagine keeping myself busy and productive during the summer but I always end up in this monotonous cycle, wasting all the days away. And that's what I hate - being unproductive. There are actually a lot of things that I envision myself doing but some are just not possible. I have been wanting to earn this summer; but I couldn't find a way. I wanted to enroll and learn on some summer program; but it was too expensive. I wanted to go out with friends; but I haven't heard from them. Well, guess it's still that typical summer - stay at home all day, sit in front of the computer, and do some house chores. That's my reality and I still haven't found a way to change it. I feel like I am wasting all my youth away. And it's like everyday I am waiting for a better tomorrow that might never come. Until now, it's still a struggle I am facing but I have resorted in doing some other things to keep myself busy. And of course one of those is writing for my blogs. I am quite contented with the work I have done so far even though I am not certain  whether they get views. But hopefully though, before this summer ends, I hope I will find something meaningful.

In this world, whether we like it or not, there really are factors in the real world that hinder us from achieving our ideals. And as much as how we want things to be, in life there's not a 100% yield for our ideals to be translated into reality. However, this doesn't mean that you have to give up all your ambitions. There is nothing wrong with dreaming for a better life; just avoid getting too depressed worrying on all things you do not have. You should also appreciate the good things that you are blessed with. Happiness and contentment may is not dependent on just one aspect. We should also remember that all of us face different realities in our lives. It's not only you who are having struggles, other people are also having their own adversities, which may be greater. Achieving your ambitions is not an overnight work; one day, through time and your efforts, you might probably attain your own ideals. And if you do so, do not forget to help the others who couldn't do it on their own.