Apathy Again

I beginning to think that this is already taking a toll on me. With all the hysteria and lack of social interaction just really came to a point where I've ran out of plans on what to make of all the time that I have. There are a lot of possible things that I could do but I just could not generate any interest, or the willpower for any of them. Right now it seems I 'm in a strange period of dryness and general apathy towards life. maybe its a defense mechanism against the negativity that could swallow me. I feel like even when good things do happen, I could barely appreciate them knowing my life is still up to no good. I need to sort that out. I am still looking for that stability. I need to relearn how to walk with my own feet. something that seemed so trivial in the past but now is so challenging. Life is calling me again to venture to the world outside despite all its dangers. You'd think I have my life all figure out; but I don't. Guess I need to confront my own cowardice and to continue to live, to find my own place and establish myself in the world I'm a part of.

The Harbor (Dream Interpretation)

This dream was very brief as it only comprised of a single scene. It was set on an empty concrete dock in the late afternoon. There were no moored ship or any people in sight, just seawater and the structure itself.

A harbor is a place where a ship comes to berth when it's not on voyage. What I attribute this definition to is my current situation of inactivity. With the pandemic breaking out, everything has been at a halt - that explains why I am now at the port instead of the open sea. On the time setting of the dream, I think this was a significant detail since it's the hour of day when I normally get off from work and go home. For me, this element of the dream signifies a departure, leaving behind the normal life I've previously lived.

Of course, this whole situation was unprecedented. At one point, I had a reasonable daily routine of going to work and performing my duties; then the next thing I know, I'm stuck at home for an indefinite period. Contemplating on this extraordinary event, there are many questions that arise inevitably. What could be the reason for the abrupt end to my journey? Why am I suddenly grounded on this port? I don't know for sure. However, after this dream happened, I had the innate feeling that there was something to it, that maybe it could shed light to my dilemma. Through past experience, I can agree on Jung's notion that when conscious thinking reaches its limit, the unconscious tries to fill that void.

Recalling the theme of this dream, not only is it about departure, but it's also about going home. From this context, the dream could be suggesting that I'm set to explore my inner world at this period when I'm deprived of external experiences; it's a homecoming and return to self while I'm temporarily shut away from the world. Experiencing this external event that's out of my control, I guess I can only look internally. I probably have to assess myself so that I may take the necessary adjustments for me to adapt to this reality. Maybe I need some repairs. Maybe I have to recalibrate my navigation system. Maybe I require more supplies to embark for a longer journey towards a farther destination. I believe that all these findings would help me in dealing with the present while also preparing for the future.

If it were up to me, I definitely would've stuck with the convenience of living the old life instead of being in this bewildering state. I think it's only rational to prefer staying in the familiar domain rather than facing the unknown; but then what choice do we have? This is just reality taking its course. I never really expected to be pulled away from life all of a sudden just to get thrown into the abyss; but then I also didn't expect how far I'd reach, or how much insight I'd gain from this internal expedition. Right now, I have no idea what happens next, what lies ahead, or what's in store for me; but I know there's an inextinguishable hope within me, telling me that I will set sail again.

Beneath the Surface

Suddenly it all makes sense. I have always been fascinated in looking at life as a boat's voyage at sea but I never really had any substantial explanation for this metaphorical view. I somehow just believed and oriented myself towards this idea. While this is not something I remember everyday, it's also not something I easily forget. Regardless of the situation, it's just where my thoughts usually conclude into. I suppose it's an idea that stays at the deepest confines of my mind, acting as a personal compass or a guiding philosophy.

It was just recently that I've attained some clarity after contemplating on a dream that I had. In an instance, it seemed like everything aligned perfectly for me to arrive to the following conclusion: reality is the surface, while the unconscious is the subsurface. Above the surface, you could see and feel the external elements such as the sky, stars, sea breeze, the horizon, other boats, and maybe the land from afar. All of these directly affects the condition of navigating through the waters. Below the surface, on the other hand, there's still too much left to be known. It's a void we could only fill by leaving it to our own imaginations. After all, why not just stay contented with the information we have on the surface? Why bother at all when there's no possibility of these subsurface factors to hinder the journey? What's to be gained venturing into this unknown domain? Maybe it's just really not worth the risk. However, as what experience taught me, there would come a time when subsurface elements arise and eventually manifest themselves on the surface; and when they do, you wouldn't probably know how to deal with them no matter how mentally resilient you are. Inevitably, we'll be caught off-guard by these unperceived threats. And while it could be tempting to simply dismiss these threats and treat them as trivial, I believe that confronting the unknown is an inescapable task. There is a need to push the frontiers and make the unknown known. We might as well familiarize ourselves with what lies underneath because when times of turmoil arrive, the very vessel we're on will lose its balance and be engulfed by the raging sea.

In my case, it was through a series of dreams that made me discover the existence of this realm. These dreams contained various objects, animals, people, in situations that weren't exactly vivid but were significant enough to be identified and remembered. I have kept a written list since then. I knew these were complex puzzles that needed to be deciphered; and that's what I tried to do, with a little help from already existing information. As I explored the common interpretations of these dreams, it turned out that each presented a theme that was eerily relevant to the events happening in my waking life. It was surreal. It's as if an entity that has been keenly observing me my whole life has finally chose to speak and give its view of myself in those significant situations I was in.

One thing I noticed however is that these episodes do not always happen; there really is no clear pattern for me to base upon. It's quite unpredictable. I could not, and would rather not wish to summon it at my own disposal. From this, I draw the conclusion that the subsurface is an infinite world which is beyond anyone's control; hence my symbolism of the sea. I am merely a vessel traveling through this vast medium. What authority do I possess to command over it? I can't simply order it to become tranquil when it is turbulent; I have to withstand the storm and ensure that I stay afloat.

With the individual's immersion in reality, the primary goal has always been to live and pursue things and experiences that benefited his necessities. However, there has been too much focus on the physical and material world. Seeing beyond it, we now realize that another realm simultaneously exists with it. Yes, there truly is a whole different world that we also have to pay attention to - the unconscious. It is the infinite immaterial domain that contains the spirit - the entity that needs to be unified with our physical being. This unification is the ultimate purpose of the individual's journey. As he continues to attend to his physical needs, he also has to cater to the development of his own spirit. Bearing this in mind, the individual is tasked to live accordingly in the present, while simultaneously making sincere efforts to establish the bridge between conscious and unconscious. Although opposite, both threads intertwine to make up the same cloth.

The Library (Dream Interpretation)

It has been quite a while since I last had my encounter with the unconscious realm. Although I've always been open towards experiencing it, it is not my conscious self that decides when I get to be there. I no longer set any expectations on it as I know it will happen in due time. Some couple of months went by, and then there I was again. 

I found myself in a vast room that was quite old-fashioned that had its floor carpeted. There were no lights except the sunlight that entered the room from a large window. I soon realized that it was a library and at the center of it were two shelves. I picked up one of the books there. It was a large book - probably comparable to a floor tile. It was silver with a certain texture to it. It then began emanating an iridescent light. It evoked an overwhelming feeling within me. It's as if I had just found something so meaningful that I was at that moment full of contentment. As strange as it would sound, I could only describe this way: it felt like I could taste the book; and that delightful taste could be translated into that sense of contentment. I never thought I'd be able to perceive something comprehensively but not through the use of my physical senses. I was just in awe at that moment. However, I never got to open the book because I woke up immediately after that.

I had to really on contemplate on what that dream could've meant. Surely. it wasn't meant to be random. This was a return. The timing of it was impeccable since this happened the night after I made a major decision in my life that propelled me into my current state of uncertainty. Although I  had my hesitations about that, it seemed that I was guided into taking that step. I never thought it would be possible to face uncertainty and still be at peace; but that's how it felt. I could now understand how the dream and my situation was related. The dream taught me that I still had so much more to learn as there was still too much space in that room left to be filled. As I go on with my waking life, maybe my task is to explore further and gain more knowledge and experience.

Although it's strange that I now talk about these things that are beyond my own comprehension, I do see these internal experiences as authentic. All those rather minor encounters in the past accumulated and finally revealed something profound to me at this very moment. The dream was a culmination and a new beginning that made me realize of a vast new world unexplored. Now the doors have opened and I am at its doorstep.

On the Current State

When weighing in on whether I am where I want to be, there's hardly any doubt that I am not. I've reached this point where I realize that after all my pursuits, I still really do not know anything - maybe not even myself. All this somehow only indicate that I am nowhere near to what I can truly be. Weather it was a series of bad decisions that brought me here, or possibly just my own ignorance, I can't deny that I let all this happen to myself. How did I become so devoid of ambition? 

Journey to the Underworld

I have often wandered to the darkest corners of my inner self in times when I had to build back from a tragic fall. The journey to the underworld - I see it as my own system's mechanism of internal troubleshooting. It never is a happy pursuit; but I know it's something that is necessary.  At the end of all these trips, I'd always pick up elements that reinforced my insufficient state of being; and every time I resurfaced, I emerged with a sense of placidity and newfound courage.

There's been a recurrent experience of mine recently. I noticed that even when no tragedy is occurring in my conscious reality, I always end up getting summoned into this realm. These episodes occur in indefinite periods. After assessing the situation, I thought to myself that surely this couldn't be a decision made by my conscious self. I know I would rather have all my focus on real matters because there are roles I have to perform in the waking life. For me, it's truly inconvenient when I can't perform my obligations well. So why do I keep coming back? Well I thought about that for quite some time and I later realized that I may have inadvertently established a two-way street with the subsurface domain. Now it gets to me before I get to it. It was disorienting to be dragged out of reality and being forced to break away from the comfort of your daily routine; but I started to think that it's possibly the price to pay for harnessing strength from the underworld.

Despite all these, I can say that the whole situation is far from being out of control. From my experiences, I know I'd snap out and revert to my normal state at some point. When I've plunged to deep, there's something that always pulls me back to the surface - a lifeline I didn't even know I had. For something so mysterious and unpredictable, it turns out that this system has its own safety measures; and I definitely need that since it's still too much of a risk to navigate further at my current level. There's no assurance that I could still be in control if I'd stubbornly dare to move forward; that explains why it's necessary to abandon the unknown and return to familiarity.

It's one thing to row towards the middle of the lake where you can be free from external influences; while it's another to dive to the bottom of it and confront whatever lies underneath. One can be easily practiced while the other has a certain degree of risk. Too much self exploration may alienate you from the real world if you're unable to successfully acclimate back to the social norm.