In the very moment that I am writing this, I am still trying to prevent my own frustration from pouring down onto me because I know I didn't do enough to overcome a challenge I know I was capable of undertaking. Each day I try to be better, but something always seems to hold me back. Deep within me, I have a feeling that I haven't been trying enough. It's a gut feeling that I know to be true. I guess what's worse is that I can't figure out what prevents me from exerting the effort that I am supposed to be making. I don't think I am doing terrible; but I'm not attaining the best positive outcome either. I feel as though I may be deviating from the original course that I have set towards my destination. It is strange and unsettling; but it's not a new experience. I've had a few notable episodes like this in the past. It seems that something inside me threatens to re-awaken; and if ever it does, it will not do me any good. I thought I've already let this part of me die out, but now it seems that there are still remnants of it that refuse to be vanquished. It's here to haunt me, ready to drag me down.
In almost all the pieces that I write, it's always been a recurring story that never gets resolved. I always try to decipher this puzzle but in the end I never really reach any coherent conclusion. Whenever I tried to collect my thoughts, they usually would just fall apart and fade into obscurity. However, recently I have been in constant moments of deep thought about all that has been happening in my life. Right now, I feel as though I am now seeing it all in a different light.
I used to be full of self-contempt. That was a terrible phase. I always cursed fate when things didn't go my way. On a lot of times, I thought I was born to bear the burden of my own inadequacies. I've always had the desire to improve in a lot of aspects but with every challenge that I had to face, I predestined myself to fail just to prove that I'd never really make it even if I tried. I imprisoned my mind in my own negative perceptions just to protect myself from the spiteful truth of not being good enough. I limited myself to that thinking it was a dead end on my quest. I turned into a mindlessly-wandering vagabond thinking my destination no longer existed.
It's unfathomable to try to measure the gravity of the crime that I have committed upon myself. The consequences have already unfolded and I can no longer change what has happened in history. While I did want improvement, my aim was tilting towards regress. I dragged myself into the pit of mediocrity just to prove to the world that I was the embodiment of a miserable attempt to personify my own ideals. The epitome of mediocrity - the title I bestow upon my former self. To repress all inner potential just to escape the burden of having to try to actualize it, and to possibly fail - that was the motive behind my actions. What seemed to be self-protection ultimately turned out to be self-sabotage.
Maybe I was so desperate to fit in, trying to be accepted by everyone else who considered that as the norm and thought the same way as me. Maybe I wanted them to see me as someone modest enough to admit my own inadequacies. I don't know. Those are both pretentious and inauthentic reasons and at that time, I just wasn't aware about it. I may have been doing these unconsciously for almost the entirety of my life. Well, I guess it would have been better if I chose to limit this negativity to the confines of my own mind. But I didn't. Instead, I let it manifest through my actions. I kept on brandishing my self-deprecating tendencies to the people around me, both in real world and social media. I probably was the person that even my present self would have wanted to avoid. I was a regressive element that threatened to hinder the development of others just because I couldn't attain it myself, or because I have lost the belief to do so.
It's both fulfilling and daunting to realize all of these. On one hand, I now know myself a little better as I have confronted the nature of my own negativity; on the other, I can't help but think how things would've been different if only I became aware early on. Imagine what I could have been, and how things would have turned out better than how they did in reality. Nothing would have hindered me from exerting the right efforts towards my personal endeavors. I could've moved closer towards living up to my own potentials. But I didn't. I lost the fight, and I let that happen. I didn't take my chances because I let them slip away. I have a lot of wrongdoings to make up for. I have to transcend from this state of mediocrity not only for myself but also for the world that I am a part of. It might be the best way to make amends.
From now on, I am setting myself free from this prison of self-contempt. No longer should I limit myself to the bounds of my own negative perceptions. I've been in the darkness for far too long and now it's time to orient myself towards the light. I now realize that all along, I had the capacity to transcend from my own weaknesses only if I sincerely wanted to do so. I know I definitely should. For all the atrocities I have committed upon my own self in the past, I owe a great price. And now, it's about time I pay my dues.
