Once again, I have placed myself in this self-imposed isolation in the hopes of fixing my current state of being. For as long as I can remember, this has always been my response mechanism in times of personal troubles. As much as I try to avoid it, there would always be moments when I have to withdraw from the world just so I could look deeply into myself with great focus. For me, it's a crucial period to assess myself and identify the faults within me. In this way, I could see what I have to change that I may ultimately improve and become better prepared in overcoming the challenges I need to face.
Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to always work for me; often times, there'd always be that part of me that becomes too uncooperative. When my actions become incoherent with my own thoughts, it's truly a tough struggle trying to bring them back together. It's a rigorous battle that doesn't achieve anything the end of the day. Whenever I try to understand myself better, I'd always end up having more questions than answers. It is definitely not an easy undertaking.
I've come to think of it. Perhaps I formulated these reasons just so that I could justify my own inaction. Is this really making me any better? I have already given myself enough time to work on myself, but I'm still yet to exert any significant effort to achieve any progress. Instead, I ended up wasting my time trying to avoid the monumental task I am supposed to do. During all these months, I have been cowering in a dark little corner instead of going back out there to fight and make things right for myself. That's enough to prove how stubborn and apathetic I am in the midst of all this chaos. I knew what I had to do but I still keep on running away from it. I've been so suffocated by fear and self-doubt that I've resorted into building walls around me just so I can hide in a safe-space that protects me from the judgment of the world I'm supposed to be a part of. I deliberately kept myself in the dark just to avoid witnessing my own downfall unfold before me. I drowned myself in my own delusions so that I could forget the unforgiving world that has unsettled my state of being.
I've come to think of it. Perhaps I formulated these reasons just so that I could justify my own inaction. Is this really making me any better? I have already given myself enough time to work on myself, but I'm still yet to exert any significant effort to achieve any progress. Instead, I ended up wasting my time trying to avoid the monumental task I am supposed to do. During all these months, I have been cowering in a dark little corner instead of going back out there to fight and make things right for myself. That's enough to prove how stubborn and apathetic I am in the midst of all this chaos. I knew what I had to do but I still keep on running away from it. I've been so suffocated by fear and self-doubt that I've resorted into building walls around me just so I can hide in a safe-space that protects me from the judgment of the world I'm supposed to be a part of. I deliberately kept myself in the dark just to avoid witnessing my own downfall unfold before me. I drowned myself in my own delusions so that I could forget the unforgiving world that has unsettled my state of being.
Losing a battle is always tragic but now I realize that the greater tragedy is losing myself in the aftermath. I have inadvertently dug myself a deeper hole. I could've escaped this terrible fate a little earlier but I steered myself onto a head-on collision instead. So now I'm momentarily stuck in this unfathomable predicament as a consequence of the decisions I've made in the past. For the moment, I remain to be dumbfounded after all that's happened during the past few months. I haven't been my best self and I know I shouldn't let this go on forever. I do not belong in this meaningless realm. It's always hard to sleep at night knowing I've wasted yet another day. I continue to be appaled by my own apathy and inaction and I still can't figure out why I this always tends to happen. There must be something inside me I cannot seem to confront. I don't know why I waste a lot of time, or why I always fail to take my chances. There are still a lot of faults within me that need to be resolved. Nevertheless, I know I'll have to find the answers within me. I just have to take a step back to re-evaluate myself. I guess I'll have to reach out to that part of me that I may have forgotten.
