November Nemesis

The night has fallen and so have you. How is it that you've lost your sight? All that contention, they could have given you enough experience to continually move forward but now you're left dumbfounded as if you never had any knowledge. You built the walls too high now you can't see what's outside and beyond; you only see the walls close in as they start to crumble. What you've been trying to protect has also lost its value. The plague you've been trying to fend off has permeated through the walls when you weren't paying attention. So now you're blinded again, lost your capacity to see through the dark.

Spirit of the Sea

Siren of the sea, why do you call for me? Emerging from the deep, your waves reach beneath my feet. A life left unfulfilled, a journey discontinued, all dreams and ambition suddenly disappeared. Remember the terror, remember the fright; how could all end on one fateful night? Never found, now forgotten. You're deep where the sun won't reach again. Ever present, eternally immersed - can't seem to break free from this tormenting curse. 

So now you roam the depths of the cold blue, seeking a soul that receives you. But when time went by and your call was left unheard, you sent a signal to the surface in hope of any message to return. And there I was standing by the shore, when the wind whispered words I've never heard before. So tell me more, and sing me the story, the story of the spirit of the sea.

The Still Point

There's a point where all is still, when you reach the pinnacle - no longer chasing nor running away. From up here the wind blows but the tranquility remains. A state where there is nothing yet everything at the same time, you're immersed in the moment without feeling the necessity to comprehend. May be a conclusion, may be a start; either way it's a point where you achieve a sense of totality. A break between the cycle of loss and reunification; the truce between the contending parts of your inner self. 

Chaos, reverie, it's all the same to me. No fears, no ambitions; there's only nothing. There's nothing but a vague contentment of how things are in the present. There's no meaning in attempting, in desperately trying to be; you simply just are. There's no more need to seek; because what's supposed to find you, will. Eventually.

Winds of July

You tread on this thread of life, cursed to bear a wound that wouldn't heal. Cut open again, don't know where. All these images, what do they conjure? See the colors of the sky, hear the waves crash on the shore, feel the wind on your skin like you never have before. Suddenly all these sensations are more than what they seem to be. They send a message only you can interpret. In the darkness, you see more clearly; in the turbulence you find tranquility. See where you're headed, see where it ends. How does it feel to finally know how this concludes? How could you ever accept this fate? What should you do with what remains? Too early to tell, too late to know. But you go on, go on anyway through the path where there's no light. Walk on, traveler; walk through flooded waters, walk through the waves, walk through the blinding mist along the way. Will there be peace when you finally fade away and to disappear into the night?

The Mercenary

No redemption, no relief, no treasures to give away to every night's thief. You keep paying the price but there is no reward. Everything you used to cherish seems to have now lost their value. The very disturbance you tried to suppress has now devoured you whole and now you live within its bounds. An unprecedented synchronicity - how did things come to be? Perhaps, as it turns out, that the way to nullify the threat is to accept it, understand its motive and become one with it. What once tried to kill you is now a weapon at your disposal. When you choose to confront what torments you each time you awake, you strip away its relevance until it's no longer significant. To some extent, let it happen; because at some point, even this loses its value. And when you're finally able to conquer it, you'll eventually learn to look at it with disdain and indifference henceforth. Be careful still, of what lurks beneath, of what prowls overhead. You can be resilient but doesn't really mean you're infallible. Fight when you have to survive; but don't expend energy on trying to chase what could be, or what could have been. It's simply a futile pursuit.

Crossroad

See what you are. What have you become? You tried to be free but now you remain a prisoner - imprisoned by the spiteful torments of your own thoughts. You know well that you can rise again but still you choose to drown yourself in the ashes of the fall. It's as if you've reached your world's edge, thinking all is lost when you never really lost anything but time. You relied on something you deemed authentic, that declared itself whole, that in the end was just another snake in the paradise you thought was safe. How'd you let that happen? You don't know. Maybe you refuse to find out. Blame it on your own blindness, on your inability to see the inner disarray and puzzling incongruence. Quite a tragedy when your beliefs betray you and leave you to die, considering it all started from the premise that it won't. I guess that's what devastation is - when you're lost in the fog and nothing seems comprehensible. How did you fall this low?

So now you've become so pathetic that you consider setting yourself on a path of self-destruction. After all, why not just let your self burn away and revel in the chaos as you're slowly consumed? How tempting could that be, to go further than you ever dared to before. Pathetic. What for, and why? Crossroad - you've been here before. You've always taken the same way. You know can't just undo everything you've done to be what you currently are. You know that in the midst of all this, something keeps the pieces of you altogether, maintaining the totality of you. So you go on and heed that inner plea of preservation.

Remember September

So why keep thinking when none of these make sense already? You've had enough but you keep going back. You're going on endless circles in the hopes of finding what you lost but still there's not any relief nor redemption in store for you. Why'd you even go through all of that just for it to not matter in the end? There's no seeing through this mist so turn back now, pace back down the road you've traveled before.

It's when you put too much value on something external, that when it goes to ruin, you crumble along with it. Now you have to pick yourself up from the rubble because there's no rescue mission on the way. So crawl out of this with your strength, or what remains of it. Walk again and keep on going; the rest of the world goes on regardless of where you are. You've sunk again but you're not staying here for long; you're not condemned to the depths forever.

 

Death and Self-Reclamation

So where did this take you? Here you are again. No surprise at all on how this ended. You've abandoned who you are and lost yourself to false promises. Why did you even bother at all? Have you forgotten what you're condemned to? There's no escaping that. You never learn, do you? You tried to venture into something new in the hope of finding yourself but this wasn't the way and it never has been. In the end, it was your fault for believing. So where do you run to now? Where do you go when your world's in total ruin? What a shame for you, troubled soul.

Return, return to depths again. Find the pieces that you lost and confront the inner chaos tormenting you. And as you go along, identify the inadequacies you need to reinforce. Let the weakest parts of yourself burn away; those that cannot be fixed have to die. For the sake of your own preservation, kill whatever threatens to consume you. Rebuild the fallen stronghold, protect yourself and those which you value. It is only through this way that you can reclaim yourself. As you emerge from the mud, breathe this new air and let the light shine on you. Live now, live again.

From the Depths of Depravity

You've done some right things but everything around you still seems wrong. You tried what you can but haven't changed anything at all. Like a feather in the storm, you drift away - drift away so far that you can't come home. You let yourself go because there's no more ground for you to hold on to. The days go by and nothing is new; everything is now grayed out. What's there to look forward to? What are you outside the functions you perform? Who looks out after you? You've given away too much again and spared nothing for yourself.

Apathy Again

I beginning to think that this is already taking a toll on me. With all the hysteria and lack of social interaction just really came to a point where I've ran out of plans on what to make of all the time that I have. There are a lot of possible things that I could do but I just could not generate any interest, or the willpower for any of them. Right now it seems I 'm in a strange period of dryness and general apathy towards life. maybe its a defense mechanism against the negativity that could swallow me. I feel like even when good things do happen, I could barely appreciate them knowing my life is still up to no good. I need to sort that out. I am still looking for that stability. I need to relearn how to walk with my own feet. something that seemed so trivial in the past but now is so challenging. Life is calling me again to venture to the world outside despite all its dangers. You'd think I have my life all figure out; but I don't. Guess I need to confront my own cowardice and to continue to live, to find my own place and establish myself in the world I'm a part of.

The Harbor (Dream Interpretation)

This dream was very brief as it only comprised of a single scene. It was set on an empty concrete dock in the late afternoon. There were no moored ship or any people in sight, just seawater and the structure itself.

A harbor is a place where a ship comes to berth when it's not on voyage. What I attribute this definition to is my current situation of inactivity. With the pandemic breaking out, everything has been at a halt - that explains why I am now at the port instead of the open sea. On the time setting of the dream, I think this was a significant detail since it's the hour of day when I normally get off from work and go home. For me, this element of the dream signifies a departure, leaving behind the normal life I've previously lived.

Of course, this whole situation was unprecedented. At one point, I had a reasonable daily routine of going to work and performing my duties; then the next thing I know, I'm stuck at home for an indefinite period. Contemplating on this extraordinary event, there are many questions that arise inevitably. What could be the reason for the abrupt end to my journey? Why am I suddenly grounded on this port? I don't know for sure. However, after this dream happened, I had the innate feeling that there was something to it, that maybe it could shed light to my dilemma. Through past experience, I can agree on Jung's notion that when conscious thinking reaches its limit, the unconscious tries to fill that void.

Recalling the theme of this dream, not only is it about departure, but it's also about going home. From this context, the dream could be suggesting that I'm set to explore my inner world at this period when I'm deprived of external experiences; it's a homecoming and return to self while I'm temporarily shut away from the world. Experiencing this external event that's out of my control, I guess I can only look internally. I probably have to assess myself so that I may take the necessary adjustments for me to adapt to this reality. Maybe I need some repairs. Maybe I have to recalibrate my navigation system. Maybe I require more supplies to embark for a longer journey towards a farther destination. I believe that all these findings would help me in dealing with the present while also preparing for the future.

If it were up to me, I definitely would've stuck with the convenience of living the old life instead of being in this bewildering state. I think it's only rational to prefer staying in the familiar domain rather than facing the unknown; but then what choice do we have? This is just reality taking its course. I never really expected to be pulled away from life all of a sudden just to get thrown into the abyss; but then I also didn't expect how far I'd reach, or how much insight I'd gain from this internal expedition. Right now, I have no idea what happens next, what lies ahead, or what's in store for me; but I know there's an inextinguishable hope within me, telling me that I will set sail again.